THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING
Reviewed by David N. Butterworth
Copyright 1989 David N. Butterworth/The Summer Pennsylvanian
Just when you thought it was safe to venture back into the bayou, along comes THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING, part monster movie, part parody, wholly (if not intentionally) awful. Not since King Kong and Godzilla first slugged it out atop Mount Fuji has there been a more laughable -- or more ludicrous -- man-in-a-monster-suit movie.
The first film of the summer season to be based on a character from a D.C. Comic, THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING plays it strictly for laughs. In Wes Craven's original 1983 horror flick, Swamp Thing was portrayed as a sad, tormented creature, the hideous result of research gone awry. In this, its purported sequel, Swamp Thing has been transformed into a superhero, ridding the swamp of botched genetic experiments and rushing to the aid of damsels in distress.
One such damsel is the exquisitely untalented Heather Locklear. Locklear, who should stick to making health spa ads, is cast as Abby Arcane, stepdaughter of scientist-gone-mad Anton Arcane (played once again by Louis Jourdan in the scenery-chewing role of the century).
Abby visits her creepy stepfather in his heavily guarded Louisiana mansion in order to discover what really happened to her mother all those many moons ago. Arcane isn't telling, but somehow you get the feeling that she didn't pass away under normal circumstances! Realizing that Abby's rare blood type holds the key to his fountain-of-youth elixir, Arcane and his beautiful henchwoman Dr. Lana Zurrell (played with campy panache by Sarah Douglas) immediately have diabolical designs on the ditzy blonde, family ties or no family ties.
From the opening scene, we learn that Abby has a very special relationship with plants. Not only does she call her succulents down-to-earth names like "Jimmy" and "Mary," but she holds entire, one-sided conversations with them. This is, I guess, just so we know that, come the time when she and Swamp Thing inevitably meet, she's going to be able to relate to him, woman to vegetable.
Sure enough, this encounter takes place when Swamp Thing rescues Abby from a pair of lecherous moonshiners. Barely batting a false eyelash at this living lump of lichen, Abby immediately senses the "soul of a wonderful human being" beneath that mossy exterior. Extraordinary as it might seem, it's love at first sight.
To pad out its ninety-minute length, the film introduces a stereotypically pudgy, twinkie-eating white kid and his precocious black pal, who are in the movie to try and photograph the fibroid avenger for commercial gain. In actual fact, they're in the film to be laughed at, even though they do get to say some real neat lines like "Swamp Thing's kicking some butt!" They also get to give the leafy fellow complimentary thumbs up from time to time, just so we know who the good guy is. Everybody in the film overacts like crazy, and these two obnoxious youngsters are no exception.
It's hard to dislike a film as good-natured as this one is, especially in an industry rife with gratuitous sex and violence. Sure, the film does have its explosive moments (courtesy the five-and-dime "special" effects), but ne'er a drop of blood is spilled throughout. And there are ample opportunities for nudity -- Locklear and Douglas weren't employed solely for their acting abilities -- but none ensue. Abby and her new found beau do get to express their love for each other, but it's tastefully done, if in a slightly silly manner (as is everything else in the film).
From the very beginning you realize that this is not a film to be taken seriously. Though harmless enough, it does tend to be rather smug and a little too cute for its own good, and you end up laughing at the film rather than with it. If it weren't so badly acted, so deliberately self-mocking all around, then it might have made for better entertainment. As it is, THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING remains strictly for the grade Z crowd. The only thought that appears to have gone into the making of this movie is that the producers decided not to call it SWAMP THING 2.
.
The review above was posted to the
rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup (de.rec.film.kritiken for German reviews).
The Internet Movie Database accepts no responsibility for the contents of the
review and has no editorial control. Unless stated otherwise, the copyright
belongs to the author.
Please direct comments/criticisms of the review to relevant newsgroups.
Broken URLs inthe reviews are the responsibility of the author.
The formatting of the review is likely to differ from the original due
to ASCII to HTML conversion.
Related links: index of all rec.arts.movies.reviews reviews