BIRD ON A WIRE
[Spoilers]
A film review by Robert Dorsett
Copyright 1990 Robert Dorsett
BIRD ON A WIRE is the latest star vehicle for Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn. It features Gibson as Rick Jarmin; Hawn as his ex-wife*, Marianne Graves. To cut a very long, convoluted story short, Gibson's in the Federal Witness Protection Program. He has been forced to transfer from invisible job to invisible job over a fifteen-year period; part of his cover has been to pretend that he's dead. He runs into his wife (who is now a high-powered attorney) one day, much to her surprise. Coincidentally, someone who doesn't like him wants him dead, and spends a great deal of time trying to do just that*. Gibson is forced to use her, and, in the ensuing chase, they get to rekindle their earlier romance.
The story is very, very weak, and has little more than Hawn looking cute and Gibson posturing. There are numerous allusions to Gibson's gluteus maximus; it quickly gets boring after a while. The rest of the film amounts to gasoline explosions, car chases, lots of noise, the inexplicable bad guys, and jokes about the conflict between Gibson's working-class character and Hawn's refined character (And Guess What: Love Triumphs! SURPRISE!!!). YAWN.
There are numerous product placements: BMW, Four Seasons, Apple (including an obscene user interface on a Mac; I don't know why Apple let them do that--looks like a PC), etc. I guess they didn't manage to get an American Express or Visa endorsement, but every time Hawn says "my gold card," her face is away from the camera--don't be surprised if it's dubbed in when it comes out on video tape. :-)
DOWNER
If you want to see yet another film with Gibson as a Sex Symbol, Hawn as a Giddy Flake, and Carradine as a Bad Guy with an Attitude, SEE THIS MOVIE. I, however, was bored out of my mind (and judging by all the heads propped on hands near the end, everyone else was, too). Skip it: 5/10 (two stars). It's worth about a buck: if you must see it, catch it on cable or video.
* SPOILERS
I may have been dozing, but didn't they technically say that Gibson ran off at the altar? If so, how could Hawn be the self-described grieving widow (hotel scene)? Am I missing something in their use of idiom?
And the entire premise of the the movie: why the hell were these people after Gibson in the first place? Why waste the time or effort? And why would the people the ex-DEA people were doing a deal with want Gibson dead? The story has holes one can drive a truck through. I can buy Carradine's character wanting Gibson dead, but wasn't he just a minion, and unlikely to sway the Organization to his point of view? Revenge apart, why waste time on someone who ceased being a threat fifteen years previously, and who obviously wants to be left alone (as evidenced by the lack of contacts with the feds)?
The flying scenes were stupid. Enough said: the real-plane/helicopter scenes were quite different from the flying models. When are filmmakers going to realize that models just don't look like the the real thing? I was interested to note, though, that the helicopter had a G (Great Britain) prefix, while the airplane had an N (American) prefix. Where was this thing filmed?
The whole zoo scene was idiotic. I kept on thinking: "Don't they feed those animals?" And why should the animals pass up fresh, bloody bait (at the end) to continue to snap at Gibson dangling from the foot-bridge? And why would the animal go after Hawn's jacket, when she throws it away, when it has a nice, plump side of meat in front of it? :-)
Lastly, the movie seems to be intended for television: virtually no profanity, and surprisingly little physical violence. Only one Good Guy got waxed; the rest of the film showed Rick and Marianne being *very* careful not to actually *hurt* the people who were trying to bury them. Gibson as pacifist? Yeeeesh...
--- Robert Dorsett Internet: rdd@rascal.ics.utexas.edu UUCP: ...cs.utexas.edu!rascal.ics.utexas.edu!rdd
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