KINDERGARTEN COP
A film review by Frank Maloney
Copyright 1991 Frank Maloney
I enjoyed this more than I was expecting to. In fact, one of my motivations for going at all was that I'd seen almost everything else that I intend to see, except for some imports in Seattle's University District, which would have inconvenient to get to tonight (New Year's Eve), as well as foolhardy.
Another reason to see it for me was the fact that it had been shot in Astoria, Oregon, and near Cannon Beach, Ecola State Park, in fact. These are areas where I spend a lot of my time and I wanted to see some familiar landmarks on the big screen.
I was expecting a cross between a brat movie and Clint Eastwood. What I got was a screen full of really adorable little kids, three pretty nice performances by women, a pretty good villain, and Arnold Schwarzenegger mugging and straining and being fairly funny and appealing himself.
One of the treasures of KINDERGARTEN COP is the presence of Linda Hunt. She's like tonight's blue moon, she drives me crazy with admiration and her presence is way too rare. Of course, she won an Oscar for her male-drag performance in THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY, since then I've seen her in SILVERADO, which I loved and apparently no one bought tickets for, and THE BOSTONIANS, a sort of "Masterpiece Theater" piece for the silver screen, and maybe something else, but it ain't much. In KINDERGARTEN COP, she's almost pretty (I've always thought of her as beautiful, but never pretty) as the principal of Astoria Elementary. I need hardly say she's mostly wasted here, but I appreciate the gesture.
Another unlooked-for casting treat was Carroll Baker, who was making a run at sex goddess 30 years ago, and now looks much the worse for the experience, rather like, in fact, that wonderful actress who played Mrs. Archer in THE MALTESE FALCON (you know and you'll tell me by e-mail, please). Baker excels as the wicked mother of the heavy, whom she out-villains. He's played by Richard Tyson and he's quite enjoyable with his almost baby face and his domineering mom.
Pamela Reed is especially good as Arnie's undercover-cop/partner. Her manner reminded me of some wonderful wise-cracking comediennes from the days of screwball, tough and caring, like the recently deceased Eve Arden. She does a not-to-be-missed send-up of Arnie's Austrian accent, BTW.
Arnie's love interest is played by a mostly uninteresting Penelope Anne Miller. There's nothing terribly wrong with her performance, just nothing terribly right about it.
Arnie definitely has a flare for comedy, and I don't mean those silly puns he to cap every action scene with. His scenes with the children are actually endearing and he manages to outmug 30 6-year-olds, which is itself no mean feat.
I enjoyed seeing the North Coast locales and no one played hob with the geography in anything resembling the violence done to it by the cute-robot movie shot in Astoria, BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. For example, the sun does not rise and set west of the Astoria Bridge in this movie.
My partner, who really pissed and moaned about dragged to KINDERGARTEN COP, laughed himself silly throughout and completely enjoyed himself. You probably will, too.
-- Frank Richard Aloysius Jude Maloney
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