The Postman (1997)
Director: Kevin Costner Cast: Kevin Costner, Will Patton, Larenz Tate, Olivia Williams, James Russo, Daniel von Bargen Rated PG-13: Violence, sex, language
by Nathaniel R. Atcheson
It is the year 2013, and a war in 1997 leads to the end of civilization as we know it. A man named Bethlehem--General Bethlehem--has become master of the universe, controlling a semi-large army using tactics similar to those of Hitler's. His day-to-day activities include roaming the Beautiful countryside and taking supplies from small villages of people who are obviously at his mercy. Oh yeah, and before the apocalypse, he was a copy machine salesman.
One day he makes the mistake of enlisting the Nameless Man, who subsequently becomes a postman and saves the world and the human race from the brink of destruction.
Kevin Costner's The Postman is one of the worst films I've ever seen. It's a multi-faceted mess; a heinous misfire; a laughable, silly, pretentious, three-hour waste of life, time, and effort. To see it--to sit through this film and attentively watch every second as I did--is an experience that many, if not all, people should have, if for no other reason than to understand what a terrible film in its purest of states looks like. It is almost inconceivable to me that this movie was created by the same man responsible for Dances With Wolves, for The Postman is a film based on a flawed and ludicrous concept, and takes it to the next level by adding offbeat humor, unintentional humor, awful direction, and bad acting. These things alone don't make this film worthless: the movie is ultimately destroyed by it's own seriousness. It plays almost like a parody of itself and the genre to which it belongs, but in time we realize that, dear God, this film thought we cared.
General Bethlehem, played with fire and charisma by Will Patton, is a fascinating character. He's not so enticing simply because of his characteristics on screen, but because of what his presence in the film does to it as a whole. Patton brings and authentic evil flair to this unfortunately stock-evil character, but I like the scene in which he screams, "You want a war! I'll give you . . . a war!" Patton, unlike Costner, seems to realize this story's potential for satire. He overacts, true, but it's so fun to watch, and I'm confident that Patton, who is a great actor, knew what he was doing. Out of all the characters in this film, he was the only one whose fate I cared about, which is ironic given the "evil" sign hung around his neck. Although I liked him, he serves simply to send this film to rock-bottom: his exaggerated presence is what this film should have been, but he contrasts so sharply with the rest of this wannabe feel-good slop that that nothing can be taken seriously.
Of course, the rest of the film would have still been awful without him, but it would have been consistent awfulness and a lot more boring. Nothing feels real in this movie; it is so phony and dead that any attempt at a moving scene or moment made me laugh out loud. I really hated the scene in which the Postman (previously referred to as Nameless Man) flies by a little kid holding up a letter on the road, only to turn around, stare at the kid for thirty seconds, and then ride back at full speed and swipe the letter out of the kid's hand. Costner shot this in slow-motion, no less, and I can't recall a scene that has such an opposite effect as intended as this one. Scene after scene has this quality, this good-intentioned garbage that looks fake, feels fake, screams for attention, but elicits only laughter and snickering.
The Postman is based on a book, and I wonder how much of this film's failure is Costner's fault. It's hard to imagine taking this premise seriously, even if the film had been done well. I, personally, just think that postmen do their job. Sure, there are probably postmen who really take pride in their work, but I just can't quite manage the explosive energy that this film wants me to manifest. Giving mail, picking up mail, sorting mail--it doesn't get my blood flowing. As if this weren't enough, the film shoves this down our throats by asking us to believe that, in the future apocalypses to come, postmen will be the ones to set us straight. Aside from this, no history of what the hell happened between 1997 and 2013 is explained, or even hinted to, and that was the only element of this film that I wanted to know more about. Everything else is showed in glorious, excessive detail, for Costner obviously kept every bit of footage in the final cut. The film could have been half this long.
Bad acting and bad dialogue usually show up together, but I think the actors in The Postman are mostly competent. The dialogue, however, is not. One scene, in which the Postman is spoon-feeding soup to his love interest because she fell down, is supposed to be moving. Costner, however, couldn't resist a stab at humor, so she says something that sounds completely rational, and he says, "You're so weird!" in a really goofy tone. A lot of people laughed during this scene. I thought it might have been funny in a different movie, but a film like The Postman needs to be more careful with its dialogue--the film is overloaded with verbal colloquialisms. Costner even says, "Bite me!" at one point. Most of the dialogue, even when it isn't trying to be important, is awful.
Yes, The Postman is the worst film of 1997. No amount of good intentions can lift this from its fate. Even the Beautiful scenery and nice, huge sets became nauseating after I had stared at them for three hours. Like I said, many should see this film, and many probably will, but for the wrong reason--you must marvel in the simple fact that Costner clearly had no idea what he was doing. A hopelessly inane concept, mixed with the worst possible elements of filmmaking and acting, make this film an experience that you're unlikely to forget. View it with awe and wonder, and ask yourself when it's finished, "What on earth was he thinking?" The answer to that question would be infinitely more interesting than this film.
>From 0-10: 0 Grade: F
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Nathaniel R. Atcheson
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