THE PHILADELPHIA STORY
A film review by James Davis Nicoll
Copyright 1991 James Davis Nicoll
I checked out the local video store last night, hoping to pick up a good action flick. Some jerkwad had already rented I COME IN PEACE and MARKED FOR DEATH, but next to the recent releases shelf, was a shelf labeled "classics" (old films). I *like* old stuff; I must have seen RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and ALIEN a dozen times, so I figured "what the hell?" and started looking through the old stuff.
What I picked was this movie called THE PHILADELPHIA STORY. I remembered hearing something about a sci-fi flick about a teleporting battleship, and I *like* sci-fi stuff, but that's not all this movie has. The back of the box mentions a character named "Tracy Lord," who was a porn-star back in the 80s. I think this is great. I get to watch the scum who make porn flicks get their heads kicked in and lots of tits, too. Hey, I understand the seamy side of the porn industry! I've seen LETHAL WEAPON three times.
I get home and pop the movie in the VCR. Okay: First problem is the damn film is in black and white. It isn't my machine, because when I take it out and put in ROBOCOP II, the colour works okay. Fine, the movie's probably made in Taiwan, or Canada or some other third world country that makes cheap films. I put it back in and settle back for righteous bloodshed. Third-worlders really know how to make good eye- gougers.
Next problem: the love story. Now, I understand why you need a love story in a film; it gives the squeeze something to watch while you grope her, and you can get good sex stuff in the film, too. So, okay, there has to be a love story (oh, and you can kill the woman, so the guy has a reason to get mad and kill people). The thing is, the damn love story just kept going and going, and we don't even get to see any skin. They even have this pool scene that would have been perfect for a skinny- dipping scene, and they blow it by having the woman wear clothes. Actually, she was pretty flat, so maybe they had a good reason. Anyway, most of the movie is about this woman, and her boyfriends, I think. They never say *anything* about her porn career, and anyway, the woman playing Tracy Lord is way too old for the part.
The really big problem is that there's *no* action! I mean, these guys are coal miners, porn stars, and newspaper reporters (There's this really cute girl who plays a photographer, but even though she's obviously a libber, she never takes her clothes off). These guys wear fedoras and *everything*, but no one gets shot. You'd figure that with two husbands of Lords and a boyfriend too, they'd at least have a ten- minute fight scene, but the weenie playing the boyfriend goes down with the first punch! Geez! The guy in RENEGADES was gutshot and he did more! All the good stuff is missing: no car chases, no gun fights, no martial arts. All these people do is talk, talk, talk. At least I had time to nuzzle the babe. It's not like the movie had anything going on.
They drink a lot, more than me and the guys do, even, and they didn't throw up as much, either.
Anyway, THE PHILADELPHIA STORY is a lousy action sci-fi film, and I'm sorry I wasted the $2.00 to rent it.
James Nicoll
Now, if the first three weren't serious, is it likely this one is?
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