THE REAL BLONDE
A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 1998 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): ** 1/2
Like those sex comedies that used to be so popular, Mary and her live-in boyfriend Joe spend a lot of time in bed arguing about sex in the movie THE REAL BLONDE. He doesn't think she is experimental and aggressive enough, but she has a completely different perspective about the quality of their sex life. The net result is that they spend more time bickering about it than doing it.
As waiter and would-be actor Joe, Matthew Modine gives a witty and wise performance. Catherine Keener plays his girlfriend, Mary, who definitely does not want a family, especially given Joe's minuscule income. They will both will be tempted by others -- he by a Madonna body double and she by a women's self-defense instructor, played by a remarkably low-key Denis Leary.
As Joe's friend, fellow waiter and Royal Academy trained actor Bob, Maxwell Caulfield gives the show's blandest performance. When we first meet Bob he is sneaking out of the bed of a gorgeous blonde named Tina because he realizes that she is not a real blonde. Elizabeth Berkley from SHOWGIRLS plays the airhead, Tina, who doesn't have much luck with her men no matter how beautiful she is. Tina has strange views on life. As just one example, she finds THE LITTLE MERMAID and all of the Disney cartoons quite spiritual.
Yes, Bob will eventually meet a real blonde, a soap actress star played by the lovely Daryl Hannah, who seems to look younger as she gets older. Bob runs into a slew of problems once he finds his real blonde.
The movie is filled with known actors in small performances that are more than cameos but less than major parts. Marlo Thomas plays an ever resourceful fashion photographer. When Tina, her big star, shows up one day with an ugly, black eye, Thomas improvises. Quick, paint fake bruises on all of the models. The injuries will go nicely with the big snakes, a la the famous Nastassja Kinski photo.
Christopher Lloyd shows up as a hard-driving head waiter who runs his charges like they were recruits at boot camp. Kathleen Turner takes a small part as a tough minded agent who gets Joe a small part in a Madonna music video.
Steve Buscemi takes the role of a music video director. He takes one look at the pasty looking Joe with his boxer shorts and large rear end and moves him to the back row of the male dancers.
A subtheme in the picture is the sexual harassment of women on the streets of New York City, where the film is set. The women wear see-through blouses, low-cut dresses, and short skirts, which arouses the local winos and perverts. They make lewd remarks at the women. Joe, who seems most interested in the harassment issue, keeps reading the lingerie and other ads and developing deep sounding but superficial theories about their demeaning women.
If the story sounds disorganized, it is. Written and directed by Tom DiCillo from BOX OF MOONLIGHT, the movie meanders, not going anyplace in particular. The film begins and ends with an unrelated story of a stolen dog and has little structure. Some of the jokes work while others fall flat.
In a restaurant scene Joe and Mary have dinner with a nouveau riche artist friend of theirs and his wife. The artist raves about the movie IL PIANO, and the two women agree. Joe says the picture was complete garbage, and soon every table in the restaurant is having their own argument over the film. This funny scene works so well because it is at once outlandish and realistic. When has someone not praised a movie that you hated, but you tried to be polite and kept your opinions to yourself or at least muted what you had to say?
But for every good scene like the one above, there are others with promise but no laughs. When the meekest and homeliest woman in the self-defense class is brought up to challenge the instructor, the scene withers before ever it starts to bloom. The joke is that she doesn't attack him at all, which probably sounded funny in the script but is staged with little style or impact.
Although the light-weight film doesn't have much compelling material, the cast gives it their all. The result is a periodically funny picture that does have its entertaining moments.
THE REAL BLONDE runs 1:47. It is rated R for nudity, sex and profanity and would be fine for most teenagers.
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