I'm bitter because I was just suckered again. But let me explain: Lost in Space is actually an interesting concept, by literary and science fiction standards; the effects were spectacular; William Hurt is an amazing actor (with a few great sci-fi movies under his belt - see Until the End of the World); Gary Oldman isn't so shabby either. And then we have Heather Graham. Did you see Drugstore Cowboy? Hmmm... but we digress. But as usual, there's a problem, and his name is Akiva Goldsman.
To my great amusement, they always put the writer's name in very SMALL print on posters and trailers. This goes along with the current thinking in American oviemaking, which is that the writer is really not a very important part of the process. This, in turn, explains why people like Akiva Goldsman continue to get work after writing movies like Batman and Robin.
Picture Akiva as Doctor Smith. It's a going to be a Fantastic Voyage. William Hurt and his sit-com family have to be delivered to an Alien World to begin the Evacuation of Earth. It's a dangerous mission, but all the necessary steps to avoid catastrophe have been taken. The Jupiter 2 spaceship is so advanced that it barely needs its rough-riding and crass pilot (Director Stephen Hopkins)... but then, as if with a soundtrack by the Beasty Boys, enter the screenwriter: SABOTAGE.
What's good about this movie? The visual effects team did an amazing, amazing job. The ship, the robot, the computers, the sets and props were all at a level of slickness worthy of a much different, beter movie - and all while being eerily nostalgic of the original TV material. In fact, with the exception of that shameful Disney refugee of an alien delivered by the Henson people, the special effects team deserved to have their OWN movie. Since we're naming names, I have some guesses about who is responsible for this spurious burst of talent in what would otherwise be a complete loss: Norman Garwood (Hook, Brazil) and Ray Lovejoy (2001) are here. Unfortunately, this time their agents appear to have been asleep at the wheel. Don't worry guys, it happens to the best of us.
The movie they ended up with was actually good for about the first thirty or forty minutes. There are some exciting space fight scenes. The obligatory plot developments, featuring cameos by the still struggling ex-cast of the original Lost in Space (i.e. June Lockhart), are tolerable. There are hints of Time Travel. The suspense actually builds.
Then we get lost. Lost in the land of bad science and bad cliches. The actors (looking visibly embarrassed) do a pitiful job of clinging to what little bits of character they can find in their roles. Mimi Rodgers ends up having to do a bad impression of Louise Jefferson (you did not go, girlfriend); the poor kid from Friends ends up having to ruin what was otherwise a decent acting job by having to speak his lines; finally we culminate with a flourish by Mr. Goldsman that is practically Las Vegas Vaudevillian; an attempt to rip-off both the ending to Star Trek III and Return of the Jedi at the same time. No, Akiva, not even if James Kirk and Billy Dee Williams team up is it possible to achieve liftoff by flying into the ground. Ahh well, another perfectly good liberal arts education gone to waste....
-- David Wood obsidian@panix.com
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