CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD (PG-13)
Directed by Alex Zamm Running Time: 93 minutes Originally Released: April 10, 1998
Reviewed by E. Benjamin Kelsey
zero (out of four)
What are the warning signs of a *terrible* movie? Making it's debut at the dollar theater? Locally, CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD did just that. Having the annoying prop comic Scott Thompson (better known as Carrot Top) in the lead role? CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, once again. How about an overly exhausted, paper thin plot approached with utter incompetence? Did somebody say CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD?
That's right, Carrot Top's long dreaded major motion picture debut (at least for a starring role) is poking up in a handful of theaters across the country. CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD stars the obnoxious, wannabe-zany king of redheaded standup comics as a lazy but creative, inventive but uneventful Generation X- er named Edison. Living with a pair of surfer dudes in a small, rented house, Edison bounces from job to job, always squandering away the money on his eccentric (to say the least) inventions and ignoring crucial responsibilities such as rent. This has the crabby landlady, Ms. Krubavitch (Estelle Harris, best known as George Constanza's mother on "Seinfeld"), threatening an eviction if past due expenses aren't furnished post haste. As luck would have it, Edison soon meets Armand McMillan (Jack Warden), an old surfer dude who just so happens to be president of the multi-million dollar McMillan Industries. Sharing a passion for more than just riding waves, Armand is deeply impacted by the young inventor's notebook of dreams and ideas, and when the old man dies soon afterward, Edison learns he is named a benefactor in Armand's will.
Predictably, Edison acquires the entire corporation and has to maintain productivity with absolutely no knowledge of the business world. Predictably, there is a bitter nephew (Larry Miller) whose lesser inheritance fuels resentment that will lead to an elaborate sabotage plot. Predictably, there is an attractive employee (Courtney Thorne-Smith) whose initial repulsion will transform into love for our doofy protagonist. Predictably, the man who knows nothing will fight against the odds and give the company it's most profitable and successful turnaround ever, all because he ran things by common sense and not greed. It's as though writers Turi Meyer, Al Septien, and Alex Zamm (Meyer and Septien also wrote LEPRECHAUN 2 together!) pulled a plot out of a hat and worked Carrot Top into it. The jokes, the "surprises", the developments - all of them run such a predictable path, it may only be Carrot Top's signature brazen red hairdo that sets this one apart from the myriad of similar films.
A movie this bad speaks for itself. What's left to say when every element the movie possesses is a shameful retread of movies past? The script is 100% recycled, the direction is hokey, and the acting is absolutely horrible. It is only Thorne-Smith who seems to take her job seriously, an accomplishment which surely deserves the medal of honor. She certainly went beyond the call of duty - she has to kiss Carrot Top!!!!!! (Barf bag, please!) Movies like this give the audience nothing to do but ponder just how many synonyms for "bad" there really are. CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, without a doubt, deserves each and every one. The only way this won't end up on everybody's "bottom ten of the year" list, is if they were lucky enough never to have seen it. Just because you can't miss his outlandish fiery mane, don't skimp on avoiding this abhorrent feature.
April 10, 1998
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