SMALL SOLDIERS (1998) A Film Review by Ted Prigge Copyright 1998 Ted Prigge
Director: Joe Dante Writers: Ted Eliott, Zak Penn, Adam Rifkin, Terry Rossio, and Gavin Scott Starring: Gregory Smith, Kirsten Dunst, Jay Mohr, David Cross, Kevin Dunn, Ann Magnuson, Paul Hartman, Wendy Schaal, Denis Leary, and Dick Miller...with voices by Tommy Lee Jones, Frank Langella, Ernest Borgnine, George Kennedy, Jim Brown, Bruce Dern, Clint Walker, Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Christina Ricci
"Small Soldiers" is probably the first film to actually satirize the entity known as kiddie violence, at least on a major scale, and therefore it kind of grabs our attention when it skewers the way we are sometimes fed different kinds of propaganda via cartoons and various other kinds of child entertainment just because it's the first to really hit it hard. Luckily enough, this isn't a "message movie," and it's not naive enough to totally blame characters like G.I. Joe, the epitomy of right-wing, moral-yet-immoral, John Wayne-esque propaganda; it's really just an extremely entertaining film with an outrageously wonderful premise with an eerie, unsettling edge that at once freaks you out and leaves you in stitches.
No shock that this is from Joe Dante, the hilarious wizard who directed one of the all-time great kiddie horror films, "Gremlins," a hilarious film that is all the more hilarious the older you get...and, to a slightly lesser extent, "Gremlins 2: The New Batch," which skewered Ted Turner-esque media all while wreaking totally hilarious havoc. He takes the same kind of approach to his story that he did with the latter one: this is a film that almost gets off on mocking military "intelligence" by telling the story of a bunch of gung ho soldier toys with a microchip that allows them to act like real army guys, including attacking humans. Only they're smaller.
The story behind it deals with a huge company owned by the deliciously inhuman CEO Gil Mars (Denis Leary), who orders his two toy division heads, Larry Benson and Irwin Wayfair (Jay Mohr and David Cross, the latter who's half of HBO's "Mr. Show"), to create a line of action figures who can really act and talk like all they do in all the commercial ads that make toys look incredibly exciting. By getting a special army microchip off the web, they are able to make their toys respond like human beings, and gives them each set standards. There's the Commando Elites, a group of overly-patriotic soldiers led by the Patton-esque Chip Hazard (voiced brilliantly by Tommy Lee Jones), and featuring the supporting voices of cast members of "The Dirty Dozen," as well as Bruce Dern, tossed in for good measure; and then there's the wimpy monster Gargonites, led by the stoic Archer (voiced by a now-British Frank Langella), and featuring the voice talents of...well, the three chief members of "Spinal Tap" (Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest, and Michael McKean, just for the record). These two are at war with one another, though the odds are totally in favor of the soldiers.
Cut to a little town somewhere where a young kid named Alan (Gregory Smith, from "Krippendorf's Tribe") is running his dad's collapsing old-school toy shop while he's away on a business trip, and who mistakenly steals a box of these toys from the friendly truck driver (Dante regular, Dick Miller) to sell quickly so that the store makes some money for a change. Soon enough, the toys have escaped, ruined the store, and are about to wreak havoc on Alan, his almost-girlfriend Christy (a glowing Kirsten Dunst), and the homes of their parents (played by Kevin Dunn, Ann Magnuson, Wendy Schaal, and the late Phil Hartman in his last performance) as they war against eachother.
The obvious reason to see this film is for its wonderful sense of humor, which, for the most part, is how the film is played out. Instead of an un-subtle attempt at really trying to overturn cartoon violence and its affect on youth (which would have made for an annoying right-wing crapfest), "Small Soldiers" decides to use that as a way of mocking patriotism and basically the whole military as a concept. The Commando Elites are all portrayed as being the bloodthirsty villains of the film, who attack anyone who merely stands up for the Gargonites, who are all in hiding for fear of defeat. And the film never wastes a moment at really just digging deep and making fun of war movies. We have two really hilarious standouts, other than the obvious parody of "The Dirty Dozen," a film that actually mocked military intelligence as well. Those are a hilariously inspired scene that is straight from "Patton," complete with the theme music, a giant jig-saw American Flag consuming the background, and even lines lifted directly from the opening speech in the film; and a laugh-inducing parody of the chopper scene from "Apocalypse Now," complete with the Wagner music and "I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning."
Dante has always loved to parody other movies, but he also parodies sociological things as well, like America's obsession with war (hands-down funniest line, said by Phil Hartman: "I think World War II was my favorite war"...at least I laughed, no one else did), and even some post-"'burbs" satirization of suburbia, complete with the on-going battle between the beauty of nature and the beauty of a 12-foot satellite dish sitting in your lawn and the horror of having a tree block its reception. When this film sticks to parody and satirizing, it's one of the most entertaining experiences in a real long time.
However, when the film shifts to the melodrama of Alan's parents not understanding him, or even the required love story of the film between Alan and a way-more-mature Christy (I'm sorry: he looks like he's 12, and she looks like she's 17 - doesn't work). It's not that this truly a bad thing and the film is never unwatchable, but these scenes serve as distractions. It'd be nice if the script or the actors, especially the by-the-books Gregory Smith as the lead, had as much umph in their delivery as Kirsten Dunst does (she's just lovable), these scenes wouldn't be so hard to intake after the high satire of the idea of toy soldiers attacking real people with nail guns and flame throwers.
It just doesn't help that the Gargonites aren't really that interesting either, save for a couple of moments when the rest of them are finally allowed to do their schtick. It's here where the film only makes attempts at deepening itself with questions of humanity in these characters, and the obvious depth it brings to the military plot (the heroic soliders are pure evil while the ugly monsters are pure good), but other than that, there's a little to much started that isn't finished by the end. It's like some of this film is played straight, yet the rest of it is played totally for laughs.
It's the second part that really works. The comedy of the two toy creators scrambling around to avoid a lawsuit. Phil Hartman trying to get the most out of his satellite dish. The numerous incarnations of toys coming alive (the whole barbie subplot, featuring voices by Sarah Michelle Gellar and Christina Ricci, is definitely a howler). Anything featuring the soldier toys. And la grande finale, an exciting, vicious battle between the two families and legions of toys armed with deadly weapons that may be too much for younger children, but would pretty much be fine for older children (hey, it's PG-13 for a reason, okay?). These are the things that really work for this film, and luckily enough these great parts greatly outweigh the more mediocre parts of the film. What we have here is a return to form for Dante, who has been kinda slumming it since the 80s, but is now back again making kiddie films for the older crowd who can still take their older children and probably laugh and have a better time than they will.
MY RATING (out of 4): ***
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