I suppose the main benefit of staying up late to watch "The Mask of Zorro" was the wonderful air conditioning you get in movie theaters. It was something like 100 degrees out with humidity, but I was able to wait it out before going home. The main drawback of watching the movie was the movie itself. Thumbs down: not a diaster like "Godzilla" and all the other movies I've forgotten this summer, but certainly nothing to hoot about.
Basically, the movie goes like this: we see Zorro 1.0 in 1820 or thereabouts, played by Anthony Hopkins with some black shoeshine on his facial hair, doing the fancy sword play with hordes of Spanish soldiers in ill-fitting uniforms. It's his last ride, as the Spanish are being kicked out of California and Mexico: his enemy is leaving. Zorro 1.0 perhaps left a trail of breadcrumbs while making his getaway (it's unclear), so he's unmasked, captured, infant daughter kidnapped by the Bad Guy 1.0, wife killed.
Flash forward about twenty years. A couple of kids who helped Zorro 1.0 have now grown up into Antonio Bandaras and Some Hairy Guy, his brother. During a botched robbery, Bad Guy 2.0, dressed as an American calvary officer from the Civil War (some twenty years in the future; his uniform is simply visionary in that regard) kills the Hairy Guy. Antonio Bandaras gets away. Meanwhile, a remarkably spry Zorro 1.0 escapes from prison and finds that Bad Guy 1.0 has returned, with his daughter no less, fully grown and with ample cleavage.
Zorro 1.0 and Antonio Bandaras meet up accidentally, with Zorro 1.0 remembering the kids. They go off to train Antonio Bandaras to be Zorro 2.0. At this point, the next half hour of the film looks a little like those old martial arts movies, with the young, unruly apprentice being taught by the wise old master. Included are wacky exercises, like pushups over a bunch of candles, as well as the deeply philosophical monologues about circles and discipline. Remarkably quickly, Zorro 2.0's kung fu is strong enough to take his revenge on Bad Guy 2.0: "you killed my brother, now I kill you".
Instead of this happening, we wander into a long, slow part in the film, where Zorro 1.0 and Zorro 2.0 put on street clothes and go to a party. Hijinks! Well, no, not much happens, though there's a tango thing going on, too, between Zorro 2.0 and the daughter. If they were doing Zorro Meets Footloose, it might be a bit more interesting, but, alas. Oh, daughter is forward thinking in a late 20th C. way. Interesting how movies must insist that our political beliefs had to exist in Mexican California, Camelot, Reconstruction Alabama, Han China, etc. But I digress.
More things happen: swordfights, a very good horse-stunts sequence, though nothing breathtaking (Jackie Chan does more on a motorcycle with his left foot). Yet more clevage, but they keep things PG-13. Mistreated workers are rescued, "Leia, I am your father," Bad Guys 1.0 and 2.0 get their comeupance, various Zorros get their revenge, reconciliation (with version numbers matching precisely), joy. If they didn't have cheesy computer generated sunsets (both near the beginning and the end), it'd be a much better film.
Head scratching moments: why is Antony Hopkins, no, correction, Sir Anthony Hopkins in this film? I'm aware that Sir Lawrence Olivier appeared in "Clash of the Titans" because he needed the money, but I don't think Sir Anthony does. He's also not Zeus, so there's no satisfaction in hurling lightning bolts at unsuspecting golfers.
I have perhaps have watched too much Xena. The sword fights there are just more fun, perhaps less technically fluent, but just much more fun than Zorro [12].0 taking on unathletic Mexican soldiers using a lot of the same jump/flip/kick stuff. Ai-ee-ee-ee-ee.
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