THE AVENGERS (1998)
A film review by Steve Kong Edited by Cher Johnson Copyright 1998 Steve Kong
A few months ago I was ask by former director, now turned film critic, Alan Smithee to be his backup advisor for the film The Avengers. The director, Jeremiah S. Chechik, wanted to have a film critic on the set to advise him what to do and what not to do. I found that Smithee was quite an ill man, and therefore I found myself on the set of The Avengers more than expected. This would have been great for a budding film critic like me, if it had not been for a few problems.
Following is a script showing the few times that I was on the set of The Avengers. All personalities are computer generated.
--- INT - CHECHIK'S OFFICE – DAY Sitting in the room are: JEREMIAH S. CHECHIK and STEVE KONG. Steve is FRANTICALLY flipping through a script. In walks UMA THURMAN.
THURMAN
Nice office.
CHECHIK
Thanks. Uma, I think you know why I
wanted to meet with you. I want to
cast you as Emma Peel, super-secret
agent. You'll star in The Avengers,
a remake of a classic TV show.
THURMAN
Sounds good. Who will I be working
with?
CHECHIK
Dunno yet. But, here's a large lump
of cash.
Chechik hands over a large sum of money.
THURMAN
That's great. After my horrible
performance in Batman and Robin,
any movie should be good. Where do
I sign?
Chechik hands over piece of paper and a pen. Thurman signs and leaves the office. Steve is DISAPPOINTED that he wasn't able to get an autograph.
A KNOCK.
CHECHIK
Come!
In walks RALPH FIENNES. Fiennes takes a seat opposite Steve.
STEVE
I loved you in Strange Days!
FIENNES
Why thank you. Jerry, what's up?
CHECHIK
I noticed you have been doing a
lot of good work lately, like
The English Patient and the
forementioned Strange Days.
Thought you might want
to work in something with more
fluff than dialogue.
FIENNES
Who will I be working with?
CHECHIK
Uma Thurman.
FIENNES
Not sure if I'll have any onscreen
chemistry with her. Wasn't she also in
that horrible movie Batman and Robin?
CHECHIK
She might have been. Here's a large
sum of money. Is that enough?
Chechik hands over a large sum of money. Fiennes's eyes go WIDE.
FIENNES
Looks fine to me. Where do I sign?
Chechik hands over paper and pen. Fiennes signs and leaves. Another KNOCK.
CHECHIK
Come!
In walks SEAN CONNERY. Steve stands up, SHAKES Connery's hands.
STEVE
You're…You're…You're…
CONNERY
Sean Connery.
STEVE
That you are.
CONNERY
Good to meet you, chap.
STEVE
My pleasure.
CHECHIK
We need you in a skirt. Then we need
you in a teddy bear suit. And finally
we need you to really overact. Here's
a large sum of money.
Chechik hands over a large sum of money. Connery signs papers and leaves.
STEVE
You didn't even consult me.
CHECHIK
Later, chap, later.
EXT – AVENGERS'S SET – DAY FIENNES, THURMAN, CONNERY, CHECHIK, and STEVE are on set. Steve is sitting in his own chair. Fiennes, Thurman and Connery are on set acting.
CHECHIK
No! No! No! Ralph and Uma! You're
acting! I don't want acting! I want
you to be deadpan. I don't want
chemistry either! Sean! What's wrong
ole chap? I want more acting! Overacting!
Now, let's do this take again!
STEVE
But, they were doing just fine.
CHECHIK
Shush, chap. I'm the director.
STEVE
I'm here to advise, though.
CHECHIK
Later, chap, later – Sean! Sean! Here's a
few more dollars, I want overacting!
STEVE'S head hangs low.
INT – EDITING ROOM – DAY CHECHIK, STEVE, and editor MICK AUDSLEY are at the editing console.
CHECHIK
I want this movie short.
AUDSLEY
That's fine ol' chap.
STEVE
But, you shot all that footage. Some
of it actually came out looking pretty
good. And most of makes sense.
CHECHIK
No, I want it short.
STEVE sighs. AUDSLEY begins to edit the film.
LATER – AUDSLEY is sitting back. STEVE and CHECHIK are viewing the final cut of the film.
STEVE
None of this makes any sense! Sure,
there is some good cinematography
by Roger Pratt, but that's all lost
to this horrible editing, bad acting,
and loss of continuity!
CHECHIK
Chap, this is the best film I've ever
seen.
STEVE
This film stinks!
CHECHIK
Chap, here's a few hundred dollars.
Write something good about the film.
STEVE
I will not take that money! And further
more, don't credit me as an advisor for
this film. This film is an absolute
horror. I wouldn't recommend this film
to anyone. Everyone should skip this
film! It looks gorgeous, but that's
about all that's good about this movie.
Steve gets up and STORMS OUT of the editing room.
--- And that was my experience as a film critic/advisor.
--- Steve Kong reviews@boiled.sbay.org
reviews from a guy who loves the cinema
http://boiled.sbay.org/boiled/
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