Review: Batman & Robin (1997) Director: Some guy who should be taken out and shot (Joel Schumacher) Starring: A bunch of people who were handed a really horrible script and were paid waaaay too much (Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnel, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Jeep Swanson, Elle McPherson)
Written By: The hack who wrote the horrible script (Avika Goldsmith).
Reviewed by Vince Yim
Based on the critically acclaimed "Batman: The Killing Joke" by Alan Moore, the ultimate villain in the Batman gallery of rogues, The Joker (played by Jack Nicholson), is on a crime rampage in an attempt to drive Commissioner Gordon (played by Sam Elliot) to the brink of insanity. Constantly terrorizing him, his acts culminate to invading the Gordon household and brutally shooting Batgirl's alter ego, Barbara Gordon (played by Alicia Silverstone), severing her spinal column and effectively ending her career as a costumed crime fighter. Batman (played by Alec Baldwin) is on the case in an attempt to bring the madman down by any means possible.
Oh...sorry, I must have lost my train of thought there.
In one of the worst comic book adaptations to date, director Joel Schu-hack-her effectively destroyed the Batman film franchise, caused a slump in sales of Batman comic books, and cost me $5 CDN. The film is so horrible, it made the direct-to-video Marvel films (The Punisher, Captain America) look like genius by comparison. The film is so cheesily contrived, it made Howard the Duck look like Star Wars. The film's dialogue is so bad that it makes Jean Claude Van Damme's dialogue look like it was written by Quentin Tarantino.
But enough venting. Here is exactly what is wrong with this film.
1: The characters. Tim Burton's Batman (1989) and Batman Returns (1991) each featured a manageable three core characters (Batman, Joker, Vicky Vale, and Batman, Catwoman, Penguin, respectively). Batman Forever (1994) featured five (Batman, Robin, TwoFace, Riddler, Chase Meridian). Batman and Robin featured the most (Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, Bane, Generic Love Interest). While some film franchises do succesfully add characters (Lethal Weapon, for one), it is due to the fact that the characters are familiar. With all these characters venting their excess baggage, it is impossible to get any feel for the characters. Which brings me to...
2: Faithfulness to the source medium. Bane was supposed to be the most deadly Batman villain of all, paralyzing Batman from the waist down and temporarily ending his crime fighting career. Instead of being Batman's intellectual and physical superior, he is reduced to a monosyllabic buffoon in the film, who's dialogue consists of "Bomb...bomb...bomb..." (or, perhaps he was referring to the box office reciepts). Batgirl was supposed to be the daughter of Commissioner Gordon who originally wore the costume for a Hallowe'en party. Instead, she becomes Batgirl after finding a CD-Rom with the Batman's secrets on it. Don't even mention the fact that Bane uses the "Super Soldier Serum" (does the name "Captain America" ring a bell?).
3: Overall tone. Apart from the characters, the film has absolutely nothing to do with the current issues of Batman being put out. Gone is the dark, gothic tone of the comics, replaced by the gaudy colours of the 1960's television show with Adam West. Joel Shu-hack-her seems to have failed to realize that comic books have since grown up, and so has the audience.
4: Dialogue. I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from heckling the dialogue (ie: Bruce Wayne says, "There are things about me you don't know...", to which I respond, "HE'S GOT A THING FOR GERBILS!"). Instead of intelligent speech, we are subjected to stupid one-liners. "Let's kick some ice!" "Chill..." "Kill the heroes!" "It's the hockey team from hell!" A comic book written by Rob Liefeld (the much maligned artist and writer, formerly of Image comics) has smarter dialogue than that.
5: Action sequences. Schwarzenegger and Clooney were given thirty pound costumes that severely restricted their movement and made fight scenes virtually impossible. So, in lieu of real fight choreography, the audience is given quick editing to give the illusion of a fast and furious fist fight. NOT. Choppy editing is no substitute for real fight choreography.
6: "Humor". Batman flashes a credit card and says, "Gotham Express, don't leave home without it." Robin repeats a line from the previous film, "Chicks dig the car, right?" Mr. Freeze gives Batman a cure for a disease and says, "Take two and call me in the morning." Batgirl finds out all of Batman's secrets, to which Robin comments, "I guess we're going to have to kill her." This was intended as humorous, I merely groaned. Loudly. The only time I really laughed was when Dr. Fries (by Arnold Schwarzenegger) falls off a ledge into a vat of chemicals and screams on the way down. Unfortunately, I don't think that was intended to be funny.
7: Marketability over substance. Sure enough, the film cost over $100M to make, much of which was used to pay the big named actors' astronomical salaries. It's got a hot new soundtrack with tunes by Smashing Pumpkins. It's got a bunch of t-shirts to be made from it. But with that much money, they could have made a much better film.
8: The gratuitous crotch, ass, and breast shots. There are two completely unnecessary sequences where Batman and Robin (at the beginning) and Batgirl (near the end) are getting into costume. The camera focuses on butts, crotches, and breasts, successfully causing me to STOP enjoying the film. As soon as I saw Chris O'Donnel and George Clooney's vinyl covered asses on sceen, I felt the sudden impulse to run screaming from the theatre. Unfortunately, I would have had no way of getting home if I did (I was with friends at the time).
Surely enough, I'm not the only one who felt this way, as poor reviews and word of mouth promptly sunk this film's grosses, causing it to barely recoup its budget and marketing costs, and causing Warner Brothers to consider dumping the franchise, as well as the Superman franchise.
Later on, Joel Schumacher would go on to blame the film's lackluster success on the "unpoliced internet" and on the die hard comic book fans who didn't embrace the lack of faithfulness to the original source medium. George Clooney would later blame himself for the film's demise at the box office and the destruction of the Bat-Franchise. Judging on who the two lead players of the film choose to lay blame, the one who the audience can lay blame on is obvious. --
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