# [film] "The Avengers" A Postview, copyright 1998, P-M Agapow
Insufferably mannered twerp (Fiennes) and fashion victim (Thurman) are supposedly secret agents set out to stop weather-controlling madman (Connery). Despite the obvious charisma imbalance, the dearest wishes of the audience and severe editing, they succeed. Bugger.
"One should never fear getting wet," slathers nerdish supervillian Connery to lust-thang and world's least plausible scientist Thurman. But he's forgotten that absolutely everyone is wet in this soggy, lumpish remake of the cult TV series. For those who came in late: "The Avengers" were a duo of elegantly stylish superspies who nonchalantly dispatched grave threats to British (and global) security every week. Never mind that the plot quickly degenerated into a parody of themselves, a disjointed haiku of illogical setpieces, non-sequiturs, and contrived sequences:
Steed arrives, a job A plot, a fight, catsuit kick Well done Em, some tea?
But it was fun, and you might think it was ripe for a remake, or a reinvention (a la "Lost In Space"). Of course, you might also think that my grandmother was a tap-dancing Martian. For "The Avengers" (or as we might call it "The English Patient 2", except in this case the patient is the film, DOA) is a dreary, incoherent mess.
It's not easy to say just what's wrong with this film, because everything is wrong. We meet Ralph Fiennes as the ultradangerous agent John Steed. Dangerous, because you fear that at any moment he will don an anorak and start to talk earnestly about trainspotting. He's on the job because the hightech satellite system that (stifle your laughter) controls Britain's weather has been sabotaged. Could it be the work of Dr Peel, the insectile method nymphet Uma Thurman? No, her mission is to use up the stockpile of blue eye-shadow left over from the 1960s. So after some single entendres, our dull duo are off. And then they're off to solve the case.
They go to talk to the eccentric Sir August, who turns out to be a toupee with Sean Connery hiding underneath. After he and Uma engage in some sub-"Carry On" sexual banter, Fiennes is attacked by August's strangely silent minions. You might think that these henchmen say nothing because they are actually the set carpenters, hauled on to fill in the gaping crevasses in the screenplay. No, they are silent because they have been struck dumb by the quality of dialogue around. In fact, one minion suddenly develops stigmata during one of Fiennes and Thurman's romantic clinches. *thinks* No, just a moment, that was me.
There's a twin of Emma Peel running around at this point. No, they never explain this.
The baddies drop a map so our tepid twosome can find the secret lair. Connery meets with his cohorts, who are all dressed in (I kid you not) brightly coloured teddy bear suits. Connery explains this is so no-one can be recognised, and I find that explanation strangely plausible. Fiennes and Thurman try to spark their areactive screen chemistry, but (alas) there is no catalyst that powerful. However Uma strains so hard that you can actually see her _trying to remember her lines_! Dispirited by their failure, the comatose couple are forced to reveal that the real mastermind is the co-head of their organisation, the blind (and strangely like a Thunderbird) Father.
There's that twin again. What is that all about?
Connery, determined to never work again, dons a kilt and threatens the leaders of the free world. Just what the leaders of the free world are doing in London, is never explained. I guess after Connery buries London in snow, they bugger off home. ("Sod this English weather.") Uma decides that the only way to get to the bottom of things is to don a red catsuit with leather hotpants (which looks much worse than you can possibly imagine) and get captured. While captured she begins to hallucinate, making the audience very jealous. But Ralph and her get together again and the movie flickers to life briefly as they go mano-a-mano with Connery and his henchman. (That's hench-man. One. Count 'em, one. Ohh, it's just so horrible.)
"Still suspicious?" apostrophises Uma. "Just wondering if you bought me here under false pretenses," winces Ralph. And the audience can then cry out, "Yes, yes, oh yes!!" Avoid this dull, unworthy mess. [0/bomb] and a bad acid flashback on the Sid & Nancy scale.
"The Avengers" Released 1998. Starring Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery, Eddie Izzard.
-- Paul-Michael Agapow (p.agapow@ic.ac.uk), Dept. Biology, Imperial College "We were too young, we lived too fast and had too much technology ..."
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