Varsity Blues (1999) James Van Der Beek, Jon Voight, Paul Walker, Ron Lester, Scott Caan, Richard Lineback, Tiffany C. Love, Amy Smart, Eliel Swinton, Thomas F. Duffy, Jill Parker Jones, Joe Pichler, Tonie Perensky, Ali Larter. Screenplay by John Gatins, W. Peter Iliff. Directed by Brian Robbins. 104 minutes. Rated R, 1.5 stars (out of five stars)
Review by Ed Johnson-Ott, NUVO Newsweekly www.nuvo-online.com Archive reviews at http://us.imdb.com/M/reviews_by?Edward+Johnson-ott To receive reviews by e-mail at no charge, send subscription requests to pbbp24a@prodigy.com
"Varsity Blues" is an utterly formulaic teen sports, sex and suds potboiler that flirts with serious issues, only to dive back to the comforting safety of clichés. Aimed at young, uncritical audiences, the film dutifully trots out everything you'd expect from a hack exploitation movie. There's the idealistic hero, complete with a devoted girlfriend, a gorgeous temptress, and parents who just don't understand. There's the standard-issue football team, comprised of one all-American quarterback to be worshipped by all, one muscular party monster to whoop it up and bare his ass, one fat guy to be comical and sad, one black guy to suffer nobly, and, of course, the big, bad coach, a thundering racist bully who badgers injured players into taking steroid injections. Finally, there's the plot, which... well, suffice to say it all builds up to THE BIG GAME. Ain't Hollywood grand?
Rather than trudging through the usual review formalities, I'll just share a few minor observations about "Varsity Blues." SPOILER ALERT: The following contains references to key plot points.
1. I understand the Hollywood convention of having actors play characters considerably younger than their actual age, but there is no way on Earth that any of this film's stars could pass themselves off as high school students. In fact, several of them look more like high school teachers. 2. Because "Varsity Blues" is set in a small Texas town, some cast members strive for authenticity by adopting Southern accents ranging from a fairly credible drawl to twangs straight out of "The Beverly Hillbillies." As is the cinematic norm, most of the actors periodically forget their accents, only to recall them later. Other performers skip the accents entirely, sounding like their characters just moved to West Canaan from Santa Monica. 3. In "Dawson's Creek," James Van Der Beek's head appears far too big for his body, but it looks almost normal here. Whatever you're doing, James, keep it up! 4. Who in the world chose Ron Lester to play the team's obligatory fat guy? The young actor is so morbidly obese that I doubt if he could carry a sack of groceries up a flight of stairs without getting winded, let alone play a football game. It was hard to enjoy Lester's scenes because I caught myself fearing for his health - - and I am not joking. 5. You're a young, strong, intelligent black student being verbally abused and physically endangered by an authority figure. What should you do? Why, wait passively until a white student comes to the rescue! Oh, the wonderful messages Hollywood sends to teenagers. 6. One of the film's subplots involves several team players visiting a strip bar, where they discover their sex-ed teacher moonlighting as a dancer. When she leaves the stage, she pleads with the boys to "keep her secret." Keep her secret?! Unless every other male in a 50 mile radius of the bar is gay, I'm betting word of her "secret" just might have already leaked out. 7. Speaking of logic, here's a brief memo to Coach Kilmer: if you're going to illegally inject steroids into the leg of a seriously injured player... close the damn door. 8. A bit more about the Coach. Here we have a guy with an unbelievable winning streak, a man so beloved that that town has built a statue of him. So why is he still coaching in Hooterville? 9. A note to Jon Voight: For the love of Pete, would you please play a good guy for a change? And while you're at it, hold out for a better part next time. 10. Finally, if you are trying to inspire your fellow players that the "winning is everything" philosophy is wrong, you'd be well advised to avoid urging them to "go out there and play like gods."
The bottom line is this. Formula movies don't have to be bad. "Hoosiers" used every genre convention in the book, but the film came splendidly to life because the filmmakers created an absolutely authentic feel and invested the story with genuine passion. As long as video stores stock "Hoosiers," there is no reason to watch pap like "Varsity Blues."
© 1999 Ed Johnson-Ott
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