Virus (Reviewed on Jan. 16/99)
Starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland, Billy Baldwin
"Virus" is a monster movie without a monster. Any movie with a hurdle that large to overcome had better be pretty damn good otherwise. Sadly, "Virus" does not deliver, on any level.
The movie opens with the Russian space station Mir about to transmit something (we never find out what) to a big boat with lots of satellites on it. Sudddenly, a wave of colorful lightning comes flying through space, and winds up destroying Mir and using it to transmit itself to the aforementioned big boat. Cut to seven days later, we meet Donald Sutherland and his band of seafaring vultures. See, they spend all their time sailing around looking for dead-in-the-water ships to rescue, and then collect the reward money. At least, I *think* that's what they do. Along with many other things in the film, their reason for being out in the middle of the ocean isn't really explained.
So, they stumble upon this big boat with lots of satellites on it, and decide to haul it back to Russian waters. The only problem is, the crew starts disappearing one-by-one and turning into Borg. Yes, Borg. Complete with the red laser beam in place of an eye. Apparently, this alien lifeform can only survive if inside something electrical. So, it creates make-shift machines and uses humans for "spare parts".
Blah, blah, blah. I could go on forever describing the ludicrous so-called plot, but I won't. Suffice it to say the most original thing about this movie is having Donald Sutherland play an Irish man (!). Everything else in this movie has been taken from other (better) movies. For example, many of the machines resemble those found in the little-seen Japanese movie, "Tetsuo-The Iron Man". And the plot is right out of "Aliens".
The funny thing is, I was actually expecting to enjoy this movie. I have a soft spot for cheesy monster movies, like last years under-appreciated "Deep Rising". But "Virus", as I mentioned earlier, doesn't even have a monster. It just has a big pile of circuits and wires and expects the audience to fear this ridiculous looking contraption.
"Virus" is the type of movie that really makes you wonder what the screenwriter was thinking about when he wrote it. Besides the lame "monster", it's chock full of dialogue that no real person would ever say, and situations that no real person would ever allow themselves to get into. For example, there is a scene late in the movie in which one of the characters actually attempts to *negotiate* with the alien! Now, I don't know about you, but if I came upon a lifeform that viewed mankind as a virus to be eliminated, I doubt that I would attempt to reason with it. That makes about as much sense as a baby squirrel calmly asking a fierce predator to spare his life.
Finally, "Virus" isn't scary. The least the filmmakers could have done was to make the movie just a little scary. As it is, it's about as frightening as a box of cookies.
Skip "Virus". If it's a cool monster movie you want, rent the far superior (and the granddaddy of this genre) "Aliens".
*1/2 out of ****
David Nusair dnusair@chat.carleton.ca
:"Yesterday, the last professional hockey player to play without a helmet : ; announced he's retiring. His actual words were, `I no play hockey never ; : more.'" -Conan O'Brien :
Dept. of Good Vibes, Come visit my Reel Film Reviews site Carleton University at "http://chat.carleton.ca/~dnusair"
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