Analyze This (1999)

reviewed by
Jon Popick

After a preview screening of the new Harold Ramis film, Analyze This (*** ˝), I broke into a black, fully-loaded 1999 Lincoln Continental in the theater's parking lot. My friend at the DMV had previously traced the plates to one Tony Boombatti (Fat Tony), the owner of the Boombatz Pizzeria and the right arm of the even more well-known local `waste-management specialist' Tony Matsorelli (Tony Two-Step). I then placed a transmitter under both sun visors in order to get their reactions to the film.

(Doors unlock and open.  Laughter.)

Tony Matsorelli: Jesus, that was a great movie.

Tony Boombatti: Great movie. Funny as .

Tony M: Tom Hanks. Now, DeNiro can act.

Tony B: Yeah. Tom Hanks. (Starts car.)

Tony M: His hand shakes a little bit and all of a sudden he's some great actor? C'mon.

Tony B: (Burps.) Hey, you got a toothpick?

Tony M: Yeah, I got your toothpick right here, you .

Tony B. Jesus, my balls itch like a mother .

Tony M. What the . Do I look like your mother? I gotta itch your balls for you now? Holy .

Tony B. you. I was just sayin'.

Tony M.  your mother.

Tony B. You know, even that little Crystal wasn't bad.

Tony M. money-lenders. They should stay behind the scenes.

Tony B.  A.

Tony M.  A.

Tony B. He ain't no Pesci, but he ain't too bad, either.

Tony M. DeNiro and Pesci should be in every movie.

Tony B. Are you crazy? If DeNiro and Pesci were in every movie together…holy . That would be great.

Tony M.  A.

Tony B.  A.

Tony M. Hey, didn't Crystal sorta remind you of that lawyer…aww , what's his name? Alan Berkowitz?

Tony B. (Burps again.)  Who?

Tony M. it. I forget his name. The guy that got that other guy off for whackin' his wife.

Tony B. That's a great lawyer.

Tony M. And that pock-marked guy – who knew he could be so 
funny?

Tony B. What  guy?

Tony M. That fat guy with the bad skin that's always in the Mafia movies. Kinda looks like you, you fat .

Tony B. The fat guy?

Tony M. Jesus Christ. You got marinara in your ears?

Tony B. No, Tony. I just don't know who you're talking about.

Tony M.  it.

Tony B. You believe that a hard like DeNiro would really need to go to a shrink?

Tony M. no. It's just a movie. The whole premise was that he was nervous about the big meeting of the heads of all the Families in the whole country.

Tony B. Yeah?

Tony M. Everybody knows that we don't meet like that. If we need to have a sit-down, we use video conferencing on the Internet. We're Sicilian, but we ain't stupid.

Tony B.  A, Tony.

Tony M. Hollywood thinks that we would be stupid enough to meet in a big warehouse with no security.

Tony B. Bunch of parasites. You think it was too much like The Sopranos?

Tony M. no. The Sopranos don't got DeNiro. It was sorta the same, but different, too.

Tony B. But both  great.

Tony M. A. And I gotta hand it to ‘em – that Godfather dream sequence, where Crystal gets whacked like Brando, was hysterical.

Tony B. That was from The Godfather? No .

Tony M. Yeah; no , you . And that part where Crystal turns fed and wears a wire to the sit-down with DeNiro, but thinks better of it and tears the wire off in the crapper? brilliant.

Tony B. me. I think I missed that part when I went to the lobby to get more butter on my popcorn.

Tony M. You wanna get something to eat?

Tony B. Yeah, I'm  starvin'

Tony M. Now, there's a shocker. Fat Tony hungry. Stop the presses.

Tony B. you. I got a slow metabolism.

Tony M. That ain't the only thing that's slow on you, you fat mother .

Tony B. (Shouting.) Hey! (Tires squeal, horns blow.) Stay the out of my lane, you piece of !

Tony M. this. (Click, click.) this guy.

Tony B. (Revving engine.) mother . (Whir of power windows.)

Tony M. (Shouting.) you, you mother son of a . (Repeated gunfire, more squealing tires.)

Tony B. Ooh, I'm hit. They got me, Tony. (Loud crash and silence.)

PLANET SICK-BOY: http://home.eznet.net/~jpopick

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