Review of Cruel Intentions Written & Directed By: Roger Kumble Rating: * out of ****
I never understood what the cliché "Hell on Earth" truly meant until very recently. I've just never experienced anything in my life which was so terrifying, so horrible, so monstrously deplorable that it justified being termed as "Hell on Earth". After all, I've never been to war, I've never been the victim of any violent crime, I've never really been broken hearted, and I've never been audited; so I really had no frame of reference as to people meant when they said that something was "Hell on Earth"
Then I saw Cruel Intentions.
In a perfect world, I would be in charge of all the movie studios. The very first thing I'd do in this perfect world, would be to take every Hollywood producer who thinks that setting any story in contemporary America with a 20-something cast playing teenagers and featuring a soundtrack ripped directly from MTV, and throw them in jail. But it wouldn't just be your average jail, not even a maximum security installation. I'd have these producers (and everyone else involved in the production of these films) put in front of a war crimes tribunal and forced to beg for mercy for their crimes against humanity.
Now you're probably thinking to yourself: "Is this really how bad Cruel Intentions is?"
The answer is no. It's actually much worse. Watching the cast of this motion picture atrocity try to act their way through Roger Kumble's awfully written script is probably a lot like stabbing yourself in the arm with a chainsaw and then pouring salt on the open wound. And then pouring acid on the salt. I don't know if Kumble was trying to evoke comedy or tragedy out of his opening scene where Marci Greenbaum (Tara Reid) whines about having nude photos of her posted on the internet, but the only emotion I felt was sheer boredom.
From that opening scene, where boring actor Ryan Phillippe tries to seduce TV actress Swoosie Kurtz, to the conclusion which I don't remember because I had practically fallen asleep; Cruel Intentions is truly "Hell on Earth," right up there with war and tax audits.
Reviewed by: A. Estey Copyright 1999, by A. Estey (gbv_adam@hotmail.com)
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