The 13th Warrior (1999) 1/2 star out of 4. Starring Antonio Banderas. Directed by John McTiernan
These are the dog days of summer, that time of year when the kids go back to school and the movie studios clear their shelves of junk that has been languishing for a year or two.
"The 13th Warrior" is a prime example. Filmed about two years ago, this wannabe-epic, directed by John McTiernan of "Die Hard" fame and produced by Michael Crichton, is based on the latter's book "Eaters of the Dead."
No matter what the title, though, this stinker barks. It has been fermenting for a couple of years as the creative minds behind it continued to cut, recut then cut again, trying to make steak out of ground beef.
Nothing can help "The 13th Warrior," not even the star presence of Antonio Banderas, who, throughout the proceedings, looks like he wishes he was somewhere - anywhere - else. Of course, that is how his character is supposed to act through much of this "Excaliber"-lite, but it sure looks like he added more emphasis to that part of his characterization. Perhaps he read the script.
This is merely a B movie with A movie pretensions. A blaring score by Jerry Goldsmith seems to do nothing but try to convince the audience that "The 13th Warrior" is an important epic, when it is just a shallow shadow play.
Banderas plays Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan, an Arab ambassador who hooks up with a band of Vikings. When another tribe of Vikings is threatened by a menace too horrible to name, 13 warriors are chosen to fight this unknown horde. The catch is, one of the volunteers has to be an outsider, so guess who goes from diplomat to fighter?
The question remains: Why only 13 to fight such a fearsome force? Perhaps because a title such as "The 1,450th Warrior" doesn't sound as sexy.
Well, the heroic baker's dozen travel to the north to meet and combat this menace. Along the way, Banderas' Ahmed picks up the Norsemen's language merely by listening to them talk night after night. Suddenly, he begins speaking to them in their language and before you know it, everyone is speaking English. Ah, the magic of movies.
So, our intrepid band of warriors arrives at the besieged village and begins battling the baddies. Of course, the battle scenes are filmed rather darkly, with lots of fog and smoke, thus making it hard to distinguish who is killing who.
But it really doesn't matter. The Norsemen all talk about Valhalla and how great fighting is and how they have no fear, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Nothing much else happens. People get beheaded and chopped to ribbons. Body parts and gore fly everywhere, and then the end credits roll.
"The 13th Warrior" is like those silly costume dramas Universal released during the early and mid-1950s starring Tony Curtis, Jeff Chandler or Rock Hudson. At least, they did not take themselves as seriously as those who conceived "The 13th Warrior."
Yes, it was an unlucky day for filmgoers when Touchstone finally decided to do some housecleaning and foist this puppy on an unsuspecting public.
Bob Bloom is the film critic at the Journal and Courier in Lafayette, IN. He can be reached by e-mail at bloom@journal-courier.com or at cbloom@iquest.net
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