CONEHEADS
A film review by James Berardinelli
Copyright 1993 James Berardinelli
Rating (Linear 0 to 10): 3.9
Date Released: 7/23/93 Running Length: 1:27 Rated: PG (Cartoon violence)
Starring: Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Michelle Burke, Chris Farley, Michael McKean Director: Steve Barron Producer: Lorne Michaels Screenplay: Tom Davis, Dan Aykroyd, Bonnie Turner, and Terry Turner Music: David Newman Released by Paramount Pictures
One night in the late 1970s (as near as I can figure--time scales in this film are difficult to follow), a spaceship on the way from Remulak to Earth crashes in New York's East River. On board are Beldar (Dan Aykroyd) and Prymaat (Jane Curtin). Because of the state of their ship, they are forced to seek refuge on this planet rather than conquer it. Unfortunately, Beldar lacks a green card, so it doesn't take long before the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Service) finds out about him. With a baby on the way, Beldar gets a job first as an appliance repair person, then as a cab driver, to make enough money to buy a house in New Jersey. However, even as the Conehead family goes in search of the American Dream, Gorman Seedling (Michael McKean) of the INS goes in search of them.
It's amazing that there's such a merchandising push surrounding this film. Not only are there Conehead dolls, figurines, and other assorted paraphernalia, but Subway restaurants have a deal with Paramount to market a "Mass Quantities" meal (Subway also has a prominent product placement in the film). All of this may turn out to be a huge miscalculation on someone's part. Based on the audience I saw this picture with, CONEHEADS may be headed down the same road as LAST ACTION HERO (which was a much better film).
Occasionally, the ten-minute sketch on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE was good for a chuckle or two, but given an extra eighty-minutes, CONEHEADS turns into a tedious bore. It's hard to believe how anything utilizing the services of the normally-engaging Dan Aykroyd could be so completely unfunny (then again, he was in DOCTOR DETROIT, but even that had a couple of amusing moments). I didn't laugh out loud once during this entire motion picture, which is a bad sign.
I expected stupid humor, silly humor, or bizarre humor, but not no humor. The scenes in the previews are unfortunately representative of the entire movie, with the quirky speech patterns of Beldar and Prymaat being the big selling point. Oddly enough, one of the snippets I saw the most frequently--that of Aykroyd opening a six-pack and guzzling down the beer--is playing somewhere on the cutting room floor. It didn't make the final print.
CONEHEADS boasts some nice special effects when the setting shifts from Earth to Remulak. While there's nothing groundbreaking here, there's a nasty monster (which looks like something out of RETURN OF THE JEDI) that's done well enough to be believable, and the Remulakian space fleet looks imposing.
The movie starts out okay, but it's hard to keep a story this thin going for long, and by the half-hour point (around the time that Connie Conehead is born), it becomes painfully obvious that the decision to create a full-length feature out of this subject material was a colossal mistake. Even the presence of numerous past and present SNL cast members (including Chris Farley, Jon Lovitz, Jan Hooks, and Phil Hartman) can't save this overbloated, poorly-conceived tripe.
Lovers of the Coneheads sketches will probably find this film entertaining--and perhaps even enjoyable. They're about the only ones that will be true of, though. For everyone else, CONEHEADS will be much like an endurance contest--and the one who sticks it out to the end may not be the winner.
- James Berardinelli (blake7@cc.bellcore.com)
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