THE THIRTEENTH WARRIOR Reviewed by Jamie Peck
Rating: *1/2 (out of ****) Touchstone / 1:44 / 1999 / R (brutal combat, monotony) Cast: Antonio Banderas; Diane Venora; Omar Sharif; Vladimir Kulich; Dennis Storhøi; Maria Bonnevie; Mischa Hausserman; Sven Wollter; John DeSantis; Asbjørn Riis Director: John McTiernan Screenplay: William Wisher; Warren Lewis
When a pair of films from the same director gets released just three weeks apart, it could mean one of two things: that the recently overworked individual is due for a well-deserved rest, or that either of these movies has been sitting in a studio safe for a while and the timing is merely a coincidence. The latter's the case with John McTiernan and "The Thirteenth Warrior," which finally hits theatres a year and counting after its original spring '98 opening - and fast on the heels of McTiernan's "The Thomas Crown Affair" remake, a flick that got good reviews. You don't have to believe superstitions to wager a guess that "Thirteenth" won't be so lucky.
Reportedly shelved following skirmishes between McTiernan and producer Michael Crichton, whose "Eaters of the Dead" novel provides "Warrior"'s source (and its initial title), this messy melange of culture-clash drama and brutal warfare feels empty and sluggish - sorta like "Braveheart" without any of the passion. But the bloodshed certainly remains: There's enough carnage on display here to satisfy those in search of purely visceral thrills, though please note that the admittedly pungent battle sequences containing all this death and dismemberment alternate with talky passages interminable in their dullness.
These circa-10th century clashes involve a roving band of cannibalistic creatures capable of decapitating opponents with their bare hands and a dozen Norse soldiers out to stop them from terrorizing the Viking countryside. The good guys are loud, crude, often unintelligible and - judging from their highly icky hygiene habits -- pretty smelly to boot, which makes them perfect foils for the dignified Arab ambassador (Antonio Banderas) who tags along quite reluctantly. They're also so hard to tell apart that it hardly matters when a few of them meet violent demises. You'll wince, you'll groan, you'll grouse, "Haven't we seen this guy killed twice before?"
Banderas stands confused amidst the chaos, partaking mostly from a distance as savages in Darth Maul facepaint and draped in the latest animal-skin fashion run amok. He's not the hero - his soulful eyes and lean build don't exactly herald a champion of Shwarzenegger proportions - and "The Thirteenth Warrior" wisely doesn't pretend he is, allowing his foreign and physically imposing co-stars to step into the spotlight when the going gets rough. Let the characters interaction sans swords and shields, however, and there's still a struggle - for the audience to follow or even care about the story.
It isn't the end until audiences have witnessed a half-baked romance, murky political intrigue, veteran actor Omar Sharif ("Funny Girl") dropping by in a cameo role and a climactic "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"-esque chase through the villains' underground lair. All this clutter receives stunning visual treatment courtesy of cinematographer Peter Menzies Jr., but the collaboration between "Die Hard"-helmer McTiernan and "Jurrasic Park"-creator Crichton should have yielded more than sumptuous sights, graphic action and unintentionally telling moments. Heard during "The Thirteenth Warrior"'s final scene: a dog whimpering. How appropriate.
© 1999 Jamie Peck E-mail: jpeck1@gl.umbc.edu Visit The Reel Deal Online: http://www.gl.umbc.edu/~jpeck1/ "It presents as comedy things that are not amusing. If you think this movie is funny, that tells me things about you I don't want to know." -Roger Ebert on "Very Bad Things"
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