[film] "Virus" A Postview, copyright 1999 p-m agapow
Taking a leaf from the Daleks' book, a sentient informational lifeform tries to invade Earth. Fortunately, it is defeated by Jamie-Lee Curtis and one of the lesser Baldwin brothers. Unfortunately, it is defeated by Jamie-Lee Curtis and one of the lesser Baldwin brothers.
It happens every year, regular as clockwork. No one knows why. They dash unthinkingly towards their doom, the horde sweeping over the edge into the abyss. Perhaps it is the rhythm of nature. Perhaps it is something primal. But every year, a film crew tries to remake "Alien".
There are minor differences of course. Sometimes the monster is a robot, sometimes a mutant. Sometimes the victims are trapped in the arctic, sometimes in a city. And sometimes they are a bunch of schmucks stuck on a Russian freighter in the middle of the Pacific.
Of course trawling the depths of such suckiness can sometimes be tremendously entertaining, such as the loopily wet "Leviathan", the colourful "Hardware", the demented "DeepStar Six". But connoisseurs of crap can be tragically let down when something doesn't suck as much as it nearly does. And let's face it: Jamie-Lee Curtis in a sou'wester is no ones idea of fun.
For those of you that didn't catch "Virus" at the cinema (which from the box office figures is - well - everybody), the story goes like this: the crew of the "Minnow" are in trouble. Their cargo barge is taking water. Their ship is running into a hurricane. And their skipper is Donald Sutherland. The uninsured cargo barge sinks and Donald retreats to his cabin, to clutch a pistol and gaze at a photo taken during his youth. "I've let you down, boy," he sighs. If you weren't watching closely, you might think he was talking in character. But Gilligan (Curtis) spots a disabled Russian freighter and they board, hoping to make a mint in salvage. Unbeknownst to them, a huge cloud of static electricity has drifted across space, zapped Mir, telneted down to the ship and is looking for more copies of Microsoft Office to infect. Unbeknowst that is, until they find the sole demented Russian survivor for some quick plot exposition. (Courtesy of Joanna Pacula, whose chief qualifications for playing a Russian scientist seem to be the fact she has short hair and a funny surname.) See, it _is_ just like "Gilligan's Island".
Let me cut to the chase: it's lucky the "Minnow" has such a fearless (and large) crew because they die one by one or get turned into bio-mechanical killing machines. Ginger is left alone in the critically important generator room and just like the dizzy-headed movie star he is, goes to investigate a noise and is strangled by a powercable. The Howells and Maryanne split up and blunder around alone in the ships dark corridors until they get eaten. The Professor rigs up a complicated device so he can escape the ship. Of course, it's a long standing law of trashy monster films that characters die in order of increasing socio-economic standing. The Professor, being the token black, is thus doomed never to see the end of the film. But for those who like to keep their finger on the pulse of popular culture, it's a hopeful sign of progress that he dies after the alcoholic, the Cuban and the redneck. (And after the Maori, who has a Sydney accent.) My, what a long way we've come. And true to 20 years of playing twitchy villains that betray everyone, Donald Sutherland betrays everyone. Tragically, Jamie-Lee is half-drowned, burnt and soaked with petrol but just refuses to take her clothes off. Damn.
Oh, there's some nice Harryhausen style effects as robots chase Jamie-Lee and Baldwin X around the ship, but it's largely just a dull routine affair, not even bad enough to be good. I'm sure that the rights have been sold and in a few years we'll see a cheapie sequel starring a different Baldwin brother. [*/misfire] and a nagging chest cold on the Sid & Nancy scale.
"Virus" Released 1999. Directed by John Bruno. Starring Jamie-Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland, Baldwin X., Joanna Pacula.
-- Paul-Michael Agapow (pm@postviews.freeuk.com)
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