Inspector Gadget Rating (out of five): ZERO STARS Starring Matthew Broderick, Rupert Everett, Joely Fisher, Michelle Trachtenberg, Andy Dick, Cheri Oteri, Michael G. Hagerty, Dabney Coleman and D.L. Hughley Directed by David Kellogg Written by Jean Chalopin (based on characters created by Andy Heyward) Rated PG for comic violence Theatrical aspect ratio of 1.85:1 Released in 1999 Running 78 minutes
When I ponder childhood memories past, one of the things that always springs immediately to mind is watching the "Inspector Gadget" TV show with my older brother. Truth be told, we were rabid fanatics; our version of Cowboys and Indians was chasing each other around our coffee table to the theme tune, alternating who would get to be Gadget and who would be stuck playing the part of Dr. Claw, the inspector's arch nemesis. I was never a biggie on nostalgia, but you just can't help but have fond memories of something like that. Sometimes I even find myself up at 4AM watching re-runs of my favorite episodes, trying to recapture some of that sense of wonder I felt as a kid.
At the very least, I was expecting the new film version of the classic television series to have at least some kind of similar effect on me. Despite how horrid a film may be, the simple task of rekindling even a slight feeling of nostalgia is pretty tough to screw up. So back I sat, with minimum expectations of what the movie would deliver (let's face it; exactly how good can a live-action Disney film really be?).
I was wise enough to steer clear from the likes of Mr. Magoo and George of the Jungle (two previous Disney adaptations), and I wish to God that I had been sharp enough to skip Gadget as well. Rarely has a movie left me with such an utter feeling of emptiness. As everyone else was getting up to exit the screening room after the movie had completed its assault on mankind, I was left sitting there, absolutely speechless and totally dumbfounded at what I had just seen. Can something this awful truly exist in such an evolved world?
Right from the beginning, I knew I was in trouble. In the opening scenes, each character is introduced as if their sole purpose is to just be, to simply serve as real-life duplicates of their cartoon clones. When referring to them, people almost yell in fear that the audience will not catch on as to who a certain character is supposed to be ("Oh, hi PENNY! Is BRAIN with you?"). Creating one-dimensional replicas is one thing; having mere names take the place of them is quite another.
The "plot", shall we call it, stays fairly in tune with the original series. Matthew Broderick stars as John Brown (how creative is that?), a security guard who is horribly injured by a pack of ruthless businessmen headed by Scolex (why, Rupert Everett, for the love of God why???!!!), who himself is transformed into Claw by an unfortunate chain of events. Brown is then rescued and used as a prototype for a new law-enforcement technology wherein he's joined with various machine parts and some nifty gadgets to form (drumroll, please)... Inspector Gadget!
>From here on out, the movie becomes a hodgepodge of stupid dialog and confusing situations (although, to be fair, my confusion could have been caused by the virtual concussion the film was inflicting upon my fragile mind). There's something about an evil Gadget taking over the city (his first crime must have been swiping Matt Dillon's dentures from There's Something About Mary) and it all ends with (what else?) a bunch of post-credit nonsense and a cameo by Don Adams himself. To be honest, I wasn't much paying attention to these "treats". I was just glad that it was over.
*Find all of Jason's reviews online at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Boulevard/7475
**Complimentary movie ticket courtesy of Valley Cinemas at http://www.movie-tickets.com
Copyright 1999 Jason Wallis
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