BABY GENIUSES (1999) * (out of five stars) A review by Jamey Hughton
Starring-Kathleen Turner, Christopher Lloyd, Peter MacNicol, Kim Cattrall and Dom DeLuise Director-Bob Clark Rated PG Sony
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An experience like Baby Geniuses can have certain effects on an average moviegoer. You may be scarred for life after seeing this petrified piece of garbage, which is so disarmingly horrible that it may cause you to ponder it's Hollywood existence.
When I think of the screenwriters behind this film, I picture a room full of monkeys. The monkeys are pounding on their typewriters while scratching themselves. All of the monkeys combine their efforts, hop in a cab and take the finished product downtown to director Bob Clark's office. The designated monkey explains the plot by jumping up and down on Clark's desk while flailing his arms and shrieking. The director appears to be deep in thought, until he slams his fist down on the desktop and exclaims `I LOVE IT!!!'
The writing behind this project is embarrassing. For your amusement, I will explain the plot. Dr. Kinder (Kathleen Turner) and Dr. Heep (Christopher Lloyd) are two of the cold-hearted executives at the Baby Geniuses Institute, where peculiar studies are going on. As the story goes, there is an ancient myth explaining that babies (ages 2 and under) know all the secrets of the world from previous life experiences. When they move past this phase, they become like any other drooling toddler. Kinder and Heep want to unlock the secrets using their test babies, namely little Sylvester (Sly for short), who can break in or out of any given situation so efficiently that he would be right at home on the Mission: Impossible team. There is so much crap derived from this premise, despite the fact it's virtually identical to the plot in Look Who's Talking! (a far superior film in any league).
You will be able to determine the quality of the film by examining the opening scene. Sylvester has broken out and managed to elude several security guards with his amazing intellect and kung-fu tactics. Question: it's obvious the babies are super-smart, but why are they able to fight like Jackie Chan?? The adults in this film are furiously beaten by these youngsters in diapers. It's a shock when writers will stoop this low just to draw cheap laughs by using John Hughes' familiar Home Alone formula. I also found it disturbing that the babies in this film have attitude and endless 90's knowledge, quoting numerous movies and insulting their adult captors. The effects in Baby Geniuses (similar to the talking animals in Babe) are pathetic, the editing is a disaster, and the jokes are never funny. The only reason viewers may avoid vomiting is the argument that the babies are `cute'.
I suppose they are. I can admit to smiling a few times because the babies were cute. Other instances, though, I was howling in laughter due to the inane stupidity of the script. There are supporting characters who have no personality whatsoever; their entire existence is based on punch lines. Peter MacNicol and Kim Cattrall, as an unwilling couple who have adopted Sylvester's twin, are both miscast. Then again, I don't suppose any performer could handle the uneven material without looking incredibly stupid. Meanwhile, Dom Deluise plays a fellow who gets hit in the crotch with a monkey wrench (hahaha).
I would avoid Baby Geniuses at all costs. Instead of watching this, I would recommended filling your bathtub with cement and going snorkeling. Or perhaps you would consider going diving in shark-infested waters. Anything to avoid this painful movie. The final line in the film, spoken by the bratty Sylvester, is `If they think I'm doing the sequel for less than $20 mill, they're nuts'. Sequel? Please have mercy.
(C) 1999, Jamey Hughton
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