SURF NINJAS
A film review by James Berardinelli
Copyright 1993 James Berardinelli
Rating (Linear 0 to 10): 1.7
Date Released: 8/20/93 Running Length: 1:25 Rated: PG (Violence)
Starring: Ernie Reyes, Jr., Rob Schneider, Tone Loc, Leslie Nielsen Director: Neal Israel Producer: Evzen Kolar Screenplay: Dan Gordon Music: David Kitay Released by New Line Cinema
Johnny (Ernie Reyes, Jr.) thinks he's just another Southern California "dude" who loves sand, surfing, and babes. He starts to re-evaluate the situation, however, when a bunch of ninjas try to kill him. Never fear, though, there's someone around to explain to Johnny (and the audience) what's going on. You see, Johnny and his younger brother are actually princes from a South Pacific island that has been taken over by the evil Colonel Chi (Leslie Nielsen). Until now, they've been hidden from Chi, but the dastardly dictator has found them at last, and now he wants them dead. So, in true heroic fashion, Johnny decides to go to the island and confront Chi so that his people can be released from oppression. Of course, along the way there's plenty of time for surfing and unfunny jokes.
SURF NINJAS could just as easily be called LESLIE NIELSEN'S QUEST FOR A FAST PAYCHECK. Actually, even though Nielsen is given prominent co-billing, if you blink, you might miss him. And even for those few moments when he is on screen, he's obviously holding back his talent for a film with greater depth and profundity--like the third NAKED GUN movie. After all, who says you actually have to act to get the money? In SUPERMAN and CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS, Marlon Brando proved that you can sleepwalk your way through a role and still get paid handsomely.
SURF NINJAS takes the summer's prize for most moronic movie. Considering the competition, which includes a sequel to WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S and yet another installment in the never-ending FRIDAY THE 13TH series, that's quite a distinction.
Dan Gordon is listed in the credits as having written the film. If I were him, I would have sued to get my name removed. The lack of creativity and originality shown in this script might forever ruin his career. Then again, if this is the best he can come up with, maybe Hollywood is better off without him. There are enough second-rate hacks out there anyway.
What can you say about a movie that bills itself as an "action comedy," yet fails miserably on both counts. The one-liners, aside from attaining the expected level of juvenile predictability, aren't funny, and the physical humor never rises above the standards of a Saturday morning cartoon. Oh, it's a real riot when a guy goes tumbling and thudding down a 300-step flight of stone stairs only to climb back up and do it again. What inspired comedy!
As director, Neal Israel (who really should have taken on the Alan Smithee pseudonym for this project) has to take the blame for the poor quality of the action scenes. Even the worst shoot-'em-ups are generally competent in this regard, but SURF NINJAS has a problem. The stunt work is poorly-coordinated and it's easy to predict where an explosion is going to occur before it actually goes off. Why, you ask yourself, are all those people running away from that apparently-barren patch of ground?
SURF NINJAS gives family films a bad name. It's curious how unpleasant every movie with "ninja" in the title has been. Then again, hearing that something is called SURF NINJAS doesn't exactly conjure up images of solid entertainment. Unfortunately, this picture is far worse than one typically envisions, even considering the name and the stupid tag line of "Surf's Up! Time to save the world." Oh, well. At least seeing this movie wasn't a complete waste. Now I have another worthy contender for a spot on the Worst 10 list of 1993.
- James Berardinelli (blake7@cc.bellcore.com)
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