JURASSIC PARK
(Alternate Universe Reviews)
A film review by I. I. Pasternak
Copyright 1993 I. I. Pasternak
This article Uncle Pasternak will be reviewing that summer blockbuster, JURASSIC PARK. Since you've all seen it already, I thought I'd review some of the less well-circulated prints. Most of the versions Uncle Pasternak will tell you about today didn't even make it into this universe.
I programmed my pal Morris to plot me an eight-dimensional map of universes not too far from this one where JURASSIC PARK was playing; since this is rec.arts.movies, I restricted the result space to universes of discourse where the opus in question was more or less a movie. (Sorry, I won't be reporting on JURASSIC PARK: THE MUSICAL COMEDY this week.) Then I rubbed out the universes where 13's not a prime number and crap like that and we settled in for some hard-core marathon movie-viewing. Some of the eighteen flicks we saw were nothing special, but some were really worth while. Here are a few of the most delightful:
The first couple I saw weren't too spectacular, but then I had a pleasant surprise on the third version. In that universe, Spielberg seemed to be more like Roger Corman or someone. His first big hit was JAWS, just like here, but from there he moved into more mainstream horror flicks.
(A side note: The guy sitting next to me in the theatre told me a lot of interesting things about CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and E.T., but I didn't get to see them. It seems that if you want to see E.T. get stoned to death in the end, you should check this place out. I was sorely tempted, but I was running out of time and I had to complete my mission for the readers of rec.arts.movies.reviews. I didn't remember to ask my informant about RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.)
JURASSIC PARK as a Spielberg-directed horror flick worked pretty well. It was a lot closer to the book in most ways than the version from our world, and a lot scarier. One other feature of note: Laura Dern was a man. Now I know all you horny types out there will want to know: What does Laura Dern look like as a man? She was kind of Redfordish, but you know, it's funny, but she didn't look much different.
The next version I saw was an interesting surprise, if an unpleasant one. It was directed by David Lynch. In this universe, Sam Neill isn't even in the movie. The kids are gone too. It's hard to describe---the plot is a lot more complicated, and I'm not sure I really understood everything that was going on. But I was sufficiently intrigued to hang around there and do a little research, and I learned that in that world, Lynch is married to Dern and they've been working together for years and years. From what I saw, I can imagine that their version of BLUE VELVET looks pretty much the same, but it seems that quite a few people got more than a little upset about some of the scenes Dern did in ERASERHEAD, when she was underage, and Lynch had to marry her to get the law off his back.
The next few versions were unremarkable, and I was beginning to get bored, so I went a little far afield on the one after. It was a lot of work to get into the theatre inconspicuously, but I knew you'd want to hear about it, so Uncle Pasternak took the plunge and went to see JURASSIC PARK in a universe where the dominant life-form on Earth was, you guessed it, evolved from dinosaurs. I guess the surprising thing is that the movie wasn't really all that different. It was certainly still a thriller, and it reminded this reviewer a lot of PLANET OF THE APES: The protagonists are marooned millions of years in the future, in a world controlled by bizarrely evolved lower animals. It still has a happy ending though, by which I mean that the dinosaurs devour the human actors and escape to the mainland. The computer-generated humans were incredibly lifelike. I tried real hard to see it on a double bill with SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, but I couldn't arrange it. Sorry, guys.
The ones I looked for but couldn't find: A LAND OF THE LOST crossover. The one with Raquel Welch instead of Laura Dern.
The ones I found but had to miss: The Disney animated version. (That one *was* playing on a double bill with SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, but you have to be thirty years old to get into X-rated theaters there. Bummer!) The one in which the dinosaurs escape from a lab in the top floor of the Nakamoto building and are repelled by Bruce Willis. DINOSAUR!, a comedy starring Ringo Starr, Barbara Bach, and Shelley Long. KING KONG VS. JURASSIC PARK.
I found a newsreel version, but it was safer to miss it.
Well thanks, folks! See you next month at this time, when I review THE ROAD SCHOLAR, starring Mel Gibson.
Note to Jimmy L.: Yes, I got you a copy where Sam Neill wears a merrywidow and wallows in triceratops shit. The price is as usual.
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