AIRBORNE
A film review by James Berardinelli
Copyright 1993 James Berardinelli
Rating (Linear 0 to 10): 1.0
Date Released: 9/17/93 Running Length: 1:31 Rated: PG (Full moon, bullying)
Starring: Shane McDermott, Seth Green, Brittney Powell Director: Rob Bowman Producers: Bruce Davey and Stephen McEveety Screenplay: Bill Apablasa Music: Stewart Copeland Released by Warner Brothers
I can't believe I actually sat through this movie. Sometimes there is a terrible price to be paid for attempting to be comprehensive in one's reviews.
Mitch (Shane McDermott) is a California beach bum: the only things he cares about in life are catching waves, getting a tan, and roller blading. One day, his parents move to Australia and Mitch has to go stay with his cousin (Seth Green) in Cincinnati. While there, he manages to incur the wrath of just about every bully in school, while capturing the affection of Nikki (Brittney Powell). But, of course, everything turns out all right when Mitch's incredible roller blade skills help his school win the big race.
Geez. After that load of hogwash, is anyone still reading this review?
AIRBORNE is one of the most air-headed, poorly-conceived, ineptly-executed motion pictures I have ever had the displeasure of enduring. By the list of stars involved in the production, you can tell the kind of "talent" the film makers were able to attract. Truly marquee names. Who hasn't heard of Shane McDermott? Or Seth Green? Surely these are household names.
Before the tone of this review gets too nasty, let me take a paragraph to catalogue all the good points, minor or otherwise, that can be found during the course of the one-hour thirty-one minute running time....
Sorry, but I can't think of any. Oh well. C'est la vie. Now onto the negatives. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.
To put it mildly, the plot leaves something to be desired. Actually, except for those occasions when it descends into obviousness, it doesn't make any sense. I'm still trying to figure out where the roller blading came from when most of the film split its sports-related scenes between hockey and surfboarding.
The acting is a clinic on how not to tackle motion picture roles. I disliked the character of Mitch so much (primarily because of the smirking twit that played him) that I kept wishing someone would crack him over the head with a heavy, blunt object. Or stab him. Or shoot him. Or do something--anything--to shut him up. Where's one of those gun-toting characters from TRUE ROMANCE when you need them? And this guy is supposed to be the hero.
The direction isn't any better than the acting, but I suppose the two are interrelated. The people behind the cameras did an adequate job photographing the climactic roller-blading race (which, by the way, goes on for far too long), but could someone please explain to me why they insisted on shooting nearly every outdoor scene through an amber filter?
For anyone who saw this movie while yet unaware of its horrifying potential for stealing money and time, you have my condolences. For those who stubbornly proceed while knowing the awful truth, you deserve what you get. Don't expect any sympathy from me if you're arrested while trying to burn the film or kill the projectionist.
You have been warned.
- James Berardinelli (blake7@cc.bellcore.com)
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