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I'll be the first to admit that I know precious little about the whole Pokémon phenomenon that has captured the attention of our nation's littlest ADD sufferers. I know the translation of Pokémon is `pocket monsters,' which sounds like something you would hear in a seventh grade boys locker room, or possibly as a feature at your local porno theater. I know that the television show gave a bunch of Japanese kids seizures. And I know that I was secretly thrilled when it debuted here, just because I thought the seizures might lead to a `thinning of the herd.' You know, a good way to test that whole survival-of-the-fittest thing.
Now that I've seen ninety-five minutes of Pokémon, I know a few more things. I know that they resemble a chew toy that you would buy for a dog – if you really hated your dog. I know that the most popular Pokémon is Pikachu, a yellow thing that looks a bit like Ernie's rubber ducky. I know that Pokémon are kept in Pokéballs until they are instructed by their masters to come out and fight another master's Pokémon. And I know that once, in a billiard hall, I experienced something very similar to Pokéballs, when I walked into a horizontal pool cue.
The theatrical version of Pokémon begins with a twenty-minute short called Pikachu's Vacation. In the short we meet several of the chew toys as they take a trip to what appears to be a Pokémon theme park. Pikachu is responsible for a baby Egg Pokémon while he holidays with his friends the Turtle Pokémon and the Duck Pokémon. At the end, prepare to be amazed when the Lonely Pokémon, who ordinarily only cares for itself, helps to rescue the trapped Dragon Pokémon. The short is mostly composed of these horrible bumpers that are supposed to serve as transitions between the scenes. There's nowhere to go but up once the feature starts.
In the feature, which is called Mewtwo Strikes Back, scientists have replicated a Pokémon named Mew, which was apparently the Babe Ruth of Pokémon. The clone, called Mewtwo, is upset that it is an experiment and goes Carrie on its creators. Mew also hates all Pokémon masters because it sees the relationship between them and the Pokémon as more owner/slave, thinking that the humans and the chew toys should not and could not be friends.
Mewtwo falsely leads the world's best Pokémon masters to a Pokemon convention at Pokemon Center, inviting the protagonist, a young Pokémon master named Ash. He's the kid who owns Pikachu and his little chew toy friends. There is a big battle and everything works out. Then I went home.
1:35 – Rated G for grossly offensive
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