Watching "The Whole Nine Yards" and waiting to laugh is almost as futile as licking a popsicle stick in the hope it may eventually start to taste sweet. This lumbering, colorless attempt at comedy brings together several stars who look not only unattractive, but downright unhealthy. Instead of laughing at the puffy Matthew Perry and the skeletal Rosanna Arquette, you want to drive them to the nearest clinic for a check-up. Perhaps on the way out the door you can take a second to remind Bruce Willis his face is capable of more than just one grim expression. On the other hand, Willis isn't likely to be the only person who goes through "Yards" without cracking a smile. Mitchell Kupner's screenplay initially strives for both the corkscrew twists of "Ruthless People" and the dark humor of "Analyze This," only to quickly settle for the mundane rhythms of a bad TV sitcom. The movie's idea of a running gag is to make repeated references to the curious Canadian habit of spreading mayonnaise on hamburgers. Absolutely hilarious. Set in Montreal, "Yards" sets up Perry as Oz Oseransky, a dentist married to a harpy named Sophie (Arquette, employing the corniest French accent since Pepe Le Pew) who'd love nothing more than a ringside seat at her husband's funeral. When their new neighbor Jimmy Jones (Willis) is revealed to be none other than fugitive Chicago mobster Jimmy "Tulip" Tudeski, Oz flies into a panic, while Sophie schemes to use Jimmy to bump off her spouse. Oz zooms to the Windy City to report Jimmy to the authorities, meets Jimmy's curvy missus Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge) and learns the hard way why one should not covet thy neighbor's wife. "I haven't made love in five years," Cynthia confesses. "Neither have I -- I've been married," Oz replies. That's Kupner's idea of really snappy dialogue. As Willis practices his studied grimace and Perry wearyingly reprises all his anxious tics, the only zip in the picture is provided by Michael Clarke Duncan as a hard to figure associate of Jimmy's and Amanda Peet (TV's "Jack and Jill"), who puts considerable life into the throwaway role of Oz's goofy receptionist. With her enormous teeth and slightly crazed eyes, Peet has exactly the sort of manic edge so desperately desired by and conspicuously absent from the rest of the film. James Sanford
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