It took six writers to concoct ``Anaconda,'' and the fact that they each wanted to take credit for their contribution is the scariest thing about this creature feature.
Imagine being brave enough to claim you penned dialogue that rarely rises above ``Let's get the hell out of here!,'' or ``What the hell is going on?,'' as well as a plot that would have seemed hokey back when Grandma was an ingenue.
``Anaconda'' may someday make a great ``Mystery Science Theatre 3000'' episode, but it's not something most would want on their resumes.
The feeble story follows a documentary filmmaking crew down the Amazon as they search for a lost tribe, ``the people of the mist.'' You'd have to turn to a WWII combat movie to find a finer collection of stereotypes: Terri the Latin fireball (Jennifer Lopez), Danny the cynical homeboy (Ice Cube), Denise the airhead sex-kitten who proclaims the jungle makes her ``horny'' (Kari Wuhrer), pothead Gary (Owen Wilson), and Warren the world-weary sophisticate (Jonathan Hyde) are all on board.
There's also Steven (Eric Stoltz), a doctor of some sort, who manages to somehow get a water wasp in his mouth while scuba diving and spends most of the journey recuperating in bed.
They're soon joined by Paul Sarone, the scarred mystery man with a hidden agenda, played with a ridiculous, impenetrable mock-Venezuelan accent by Jon Voight. It's a performance that should torpedo any dreams he has of making a comeback.
As the title signifies, large snakes are also part of the goings-on. After Sarone hijacks the boat, Terri and company find they're heading into a part of the river so dangerous the natives have built a wall, a la ``King Kong,'' to contain the danger.
Of course, had Sarone simply turned the craft around, ``Anaconda'' would only be about 45 minutes long, so you can bet the barrier is dynamited, the cruise continues, and the audience is soon taking bets on who'll be the first meal.
An opening title informs us that anacondas will sometimes regurgitate their victims, just to have the pleasure of devouring them again: Yes, friends, prepare for the awesome spectacle of a vomiting giant serpent!
``Anaconda'' is the follow-up to director Luis Llosa's last masterwork, ``The Specialist,'' a 1994 clunker that marked a new low even for Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone. Rest assured that taking a few years off has not sharpened Llosa's skills one iota. His knack for clumsy action sequences remains intact, and his chronic ineptitude makes most of ``Anaconda'' an unintended laugh riot.
Even the special effects don't pass muster. The anacondas, created through animatronics and computer animation, often look more showy than scary, even though the sextet of scribes have gone to admirable lengths to devise inventive deaths for most of the cast.
It's a shame the performers didn't all follow Voight's lead and head straight to camp. Hyde and a smirky Stoltz ham it up admirably, but the ever-mumbly Cube is lifeless, and Lopez makes the mistake of acting as if she's in a real movie. Check your script, girl: It ain't ``Selena,'' it's ``Anaconda''!
James Sanford
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