Once upon a time, there was a movie queen named Kathleen, who starred in great films like ``Body Heat,'' ``Romancing the Stone,'' ``The Accidental Tourist'' and ``War of the Roses.'' She was beautiful, talented, rich and famous, and seemed destined to live happily ever after.
Then one day, the Wicked Witch of the West Coast blew into town and put an evil spell on Kathleen that ruined her taste in scripts. ``Everyone will adore you in `V.I. Warshawski,' and playing a plump frump in `House of Cards' will do wonders for your sex appeal,'' advised the wily witch. Before Kathleen knew it, she herself was playing a witch and not very well, either.
``Hmmm,'' Kathleen thought, ``whatever happened to that happy ending?''
It's nowhere to be found in ``A Simple Wish,'' Kathleen Turner's latest kamikaze mission. Perhaps she figured playing an over-the-top villainess would give her career a needed boost, a la Glenn Close doing Cruella DeVil.
Sadly, Turner's turn is more reminiscent of Bette Midler muddling through ``Hocus Pocus.'' ``A Simple Wish'' works overtime to please, but to no avail. There's one inspired sight gag, but it scarcely redeems the rest of this debacle.
Martin Short, seemingly trying out a bad Jim Carrey impersonation, is Murray, a less-than-gifted fairy godmother who turns up in New York to assist a little girl.
The child in question is Anabel (Mara Wilson), a veritable fountain of faith, whose belief in magic irks her cynical brother Charlie (Francis Capra, a youngster unencumbered by anything resembling talent). ``There are no fairy godmothers in Manhattan!'' scoffs Charlie, a line that should bring down the house when ``A Simple Wish'' plays the East Village.
Shortly after Murray botches Anabel's wish, evil ex-fairy Claudia (Turner) and her assistant Boots (Amanda Plummer) sweep into town to swipe the magic wands from all the current wish-granters. The ensuing comic clash between inept Murray and smarmy Claudia is almost as funny as ``Long Day's Journey Into Night,'' and every bit as magical.
``A Simple Wish'' offers a textbook example of all the worst tendencies of `family entertainment,' including cut-rate special-effects, a slapdash script, and the lamest one-liners this side of ``Batman & Robin.'' Turner is neither campy nor creepy, and the scene in which Short and Plummer bark and snarl at each other must surely mark an all-time low for both actors. Adorable Wilson looks on the verge of embarassment throughout, as well she should.
James Sanford
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