Some ideas are best left undeveloped.
Take, for example, the notion of reviving Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan in the last days of the 20th century. John and Bo Derek tried it in 1981, and the result was ``Tarzan the Ape Man,'' one of the most abominable films of the '80s.
In 1984, director Hugh Hudson attempted to put a new twist on the Tarzan legend with his lavish ``Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes,'' and came up with an epic as cumbersome and confused as its title.
At least those films had artistic pretensions, misguided though they might have been. The cheap ``Tarzan and the Lost City,'' which comes to us through the courtesy of something called Village Roadshow Pictures, is pure cheese - and it stinks like Limburger.
``Lost City'' offers as Tarzan the chiseled Casper Van Dien, who proves again as he did in ``Starship Troopers'' he's less a leading man than a leading mannequin. Any expression beyond a sullen pout seems to take an extraordinary amount of concentration and physical exertion on Van Dien's part; his infrequent attempts at smiles are the stuff nightmares are made of.
Jane March, best known for proving she's allergic to clothing of any kind in ``The Lover'' and ``Color of Night,'' plays Jane as a prissy crab. Early in the film, Tarzan - shortly before his scheduled wedding to Jane - has a vision that causes him to contemplate leaving his new residence in England to make a brief return to Africa. Jane practically bursts her corset: ``This wedding will proceed as planned, or not at all!'' she screeches. ``Go back to your jungle!''
Ever the obedient one, Tarzan scurries home, just in time to find a band of fortune-seekers ransacking the old neighborhood in search of the key to the lost city of Opar. Since everyone who's ever looked for Opar has wound up dead, it's conceivable that Tarzan could have simply waited for the villains to meet their maker. But that wouldn't have made for a very long movie, so Tarzan attempts to thwart their quest himself, with the help of a contrite Jane and some of the phoniest-looking apes since ``Congo.''
``Tarzan and the Lost City'' serves up with a straight face the kinds of scenes ``George of the Jungle'' lampooned, complete with an egotistical villain (Steve Waddington) who bears an eerie resemblance to James Cameron, and scores of politically incorrect natives who jabber lines like ``No animal talk like that! May be demon!'' and are helpless without Tarzan's protection.
The photography is washed-out and grimy throughout, and the visual effects are downright appalling, particularly a giant cobra that guards the gates of Opar. The fabled ``lost city'' looks like it's made of carelessly painted plywood and cardboard.
The only curiosity in ``Tarzan and the Lost City'' stems from Tarzan's wardrobe choices: He often wears an unbuttoned, long-sleeved white shirt with his traditional loincloth. Perhaps this is a conscious choice by the filmmakers to show us the hero's divided loyalties between civilization and the jungle. Or perhaps Van Dien had some unsightly acne on his back and needed something to cover it up. The world may never know.
James Sanford
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