'3BlackChicks Review...'
THE REPLACEMENTS (2000) Rated PG-13; running time 114 minutes Genre: Comedy IMDB site: http://us.imdb.com/Details?0191397 Official site: http://www.the-replacements.com/ Written by:Vince McKewin Directed by: Howard Deutch Cast: Keanu Reeves, Gene Hackman, Brooke Langton, Orlando Jones, Jon Favreau, Rhys Ifans, Faizon Love, Michael "Bear" Taliferro, Ace Yonamine, Troy Winbush, David Denman, Michael Jace, Jack Warden, Brett Cullen, John Madden, Pat Summerall, Mark Ellis
Review Copyright Rose Cooper, 2000 Review URL: http://www.3blackchicks.com/bamsreplacements.html
[WARNING: SEMI-PROFANE RANT AHEAD] I can't say that I remember the 1987 National Football League strike at all; not being a sports fan, I don't care about these silly games that men (and in some cases, women) play in general, and I certainly don't give a rats ass about the Lifestyles Of The Sick And Shameless pus...uh, babies who - come on now, admit it - get paid WAY too much as it is to chase a ball up and down a field on Sunday afternoons, 16 weeks out of a GOTdam year. I may normally empathize with union workers, but no one can tell me with a straight face that the spoiled brat primadonnas of the NFL, NBA, and whatnot, were really striking with Their Oppressed Underpaid [snicker] Brothers in mind. Not when they could get an extra mil to pay for their coke habit, nosirreebob.
So when I first saw trailers for THE REPLACEMENTS, I was hopeful that its story of The Other Side - the "scabs" who played for the Love Of The Game (yarite) while the pus...uh, babies, were on strike - would tear a new one into those blowhards who offend their fans by whining about how hard it is to be a millionaire when their owners are billionaires [oh boo friggin hoo]. But I should've known better. After all, movie stars are millionaires, too. [END RANT]
The Story (WARNING: **spoilers contained below**): It's 1987, and the "Washington Sentinels" [peeve: sports movies without the balls - or money - to give their teams real team names] no longer wish to be Football Heroes; like the rest of the NFL, spoiled wimp Quarterback Eddie Martel (Brett Cullen) and his teammates go on strike because their millions are not enough to cover the necessities of life, like insurance on a Mercedes and the like. Team owner Edward O'Neil (Jack Warden) calls on former coach Jimmy McGinty (Gene Hackman) to recruit and lead a replacement team of players to a possible playoff spot, if they can win their last 3 of 4 games; McGinty, who O'Neil earlier fired under Suspicious Circumstances, agrees to this only if he can have complete control over the short-lived team of ragtag unknowns, coulda-beens, and never-weres.
The replacement team McGinty puts together includes QB Shane "Footsteps" Falco (Keanu Reeves), currently a plankton-remover best known for his disastrous Sugar Bowl game; Wide Receiver Clifford Franklin (Orlando Jones), fleet-of-foot and non-catching comic relief; defensive Lineman Daniel Bateman (Jon Favreau), an ex-Navy SEAL and current SWAT cop who loves smashing things - and people; Kicker Nigel "The Leg" Gruff (Rhys Ifans), Loveable Welsh Drunk and footballer on both sides of the Pond; offensive Linemen Jamal Jackson (Faizon Love) and Andre Jackson (Michael "Bear" Taliferro), brothers and bodyguards for rap stars; offensive Lineman Jumbo Fumiko (Ace Yonamine), so huge he has to be a Sumo wrestler, of course; Running Back Walter Cochran (Troy Winbush), with a bible in one hand and a drink in the other; Tight End Brian Murphy (David Denman), who could've been an NFL Great, except he's deaf; and defensive Safety (I think) Ray Smith/Earl Wilkinson (Michael Jace) as the Obligatory ex-player/current convict [yes, that's right; he's a convict let out on a five-week furlough so he can play Strike Football. It's all I can do to only be *semi*-profane.] whose double names were never explained. Add an ObLoveStory between Shane and head cheerleader Annabelle Farrell (Brooke Langton), and you've got yourself a football flick! blech.
The Upshot: Ok, let's bring the penalty flags out for unnecessary stupidity: THE REPLACEMENTS is unoriginal, transparent, hackneyed, cliched, poorly written and directed, and very funny in spots.
What's that? Yes, I have to admit that it had its funny moments, most of which were occupied by Jon Favreau as Daniel "SWAT" Bateman. Try as I might, I couldn't help but to laugh at the big lug as he proceeded to rip up every scene he was in, with an all-out assault on every character that came into his field of vision. There's something weird about laughing at an abusive cop cum footballer, I know; but dammit, Bateman was funny - as was John Madden, either parodying himself or just playing Madden straight. Either way, it worked (and on the other hand, Pat Summerall as himself is just as bad here as anywhere). The other good funny bits came from uncredited players: the hilarious (at first) cheerleading squad (both the tryouts and the finalists), especially the ditzy blonde who couldn't spell; and Mark Ellis as coach of the San Diego team. I damn near busted a gut when he asked the referee to make the lap-dancing cheerleaders "stop shaking their asses" so his team could concentrate on the game.
But the fun was interrupted by long stretches of dumb. Gene Hackman, bless his talented heart, truly gave it a shot, but the writer saddled him with nothing but cliches, which even the most talented actor can't easily get past (though he does have a great scene with SWAT; "get me the ball"? You betcha). Orlando Jones made me want to spit! everytime I saw his bug-eyes on the screen; his Big Scene (where he preens to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive") was cute for the first few minutes, but lasted way too long [the writer and director repeated this pattern throughout the movie], and his character's sudden bout of Bob Doleism (calling himself "Clifford Franklin" over and over again) seemed a desperate attempt to make sense out of a generally senseless character.
As The Warm Place To Put It, Brooke "Sandra Bullock, Jr." Langton didn't seem to add much warmth, though the fault is again mostly attributable to Vince McKewin's poisoned pen. The leaps of (il)logic that Annabelle makes with regard to Shane (the Put It part of the equation) were laughable - in the "this is stoopid" sense of the term. And of course, Keanu "whoa" Reeves brings his own special brand of Dumb to most every movie he occupies. This isn't always A Bad Thing - it did wonders for him in THE MATRIX - but here, he looked like he was sleepwalking through the flick, waiting for "Matrix 2" to start filming.
The heaviest penalties should be assessed to writer McKewin and director Howard Deutch; if it were up to me, neither of these hacks would be let anywhere near a motion picture set ever again, especially not Deutch. I've noted in the past that I don't notice directors in pictures very often [which I see as A Good Thing; after all, I don't go to a flick to see what the *director* is doing, I want to be dazzled by the story]. But in this movie, one couldn't help but notice the thrill Deutch got from Being The Director, what with all those ridiculous and unnecessary closeups, quick cuts, lingering on certain characters inexplicably while the "action" is going on elsewhere, and most aggravating of all, the combination closeup/Jumbotron shots in the stadium scenes. Deutch is apparently from the "if Less is More, then think of how much more More would be!" (tm Frasier) school of directing. blech.
The "Black Factor" [ObDisclaimer: We Are Not A Monolith]:
Let's look at that starting lineup again, shall we?
On defense, we have: -An intense SWAT guy who pounds people for a living, but it's all good because he's on The Right Side Of The Law (White guy); -A fun-loving Welshman who boozes and gambles a wee bit too much, but daggonit, he's Weeierry (White guy); -A Sumo wrestler who's main "fault" is that he's big, but he balances that out by being fun, Hip, and otherwise non-stereotypically Asian (Japanese guy); -A player who is deaf. Not That There's Anything Wrong With That. (White guy).
And the offending line? -A swishy, cowardly, bug-eyed clown (Black guy); -A [and I'm sure I'll be roasted for this one] Jesus Freak (Black guy); -Two brothers (no doubt ME, MYSELF, & IRENE rejects) that are as thuggish as you can get without wearing Prison Blues (Black guys); -Someone who actually wears Prison Blues (Black guy).
Gotcha.
Bammer's Bottom Line: There's absolutely nothing new in THE REPLACEMENTS that would make its lameness worth sitting through, other than a few hilarious Moments - and in my book, a few Moments do not a movie make. My sports-flick recommendations? Quality-wise, you'd be better off renting MYSTERY, ALASKA or THE NATURAL (just to name two). Or if you like more humor in your sports, check out the original MAJOR LEAGUE; plot-wise, it was about as transparent as THE REPLACEMENTS (which, when I think about it, really ripped "ML" off big time), but at least MAJOR LEAGUE didn't take itself too seriously. Until parts two and three, that is.
THE REPLACEMENTS (rating: yellowlight): I wonder when the real movie'll show up...
Rose "Bams" Cooper /~\ Webchick and Editor, /','\ 3BlackChicks Review /','`'\ Movie Reviews With Flava! /',',','/`, Copyright Rose Cooper, 2000 `~-._'c / EMAIL: bams@3blackchicks.com `\ ( http://www.3blackchicks.com/ /====\
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