MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE
Review by John Beachem
*
Directed by: Hal Warren Written by: Hal Warren
I'm going to keep this plot summary brief, something I wish Mr. Warren had done with his "film" (I know, "Manos" only runs 74 minutes, but that's not brief enough). Michael (Hal Warren) leads his family on a trip out into the middle of nowhere. After being lost for a great deal of time, they stumble across a lodge run by Torgo (the late John Reynolds), a small man with large knees. Torgo informs the family that he watches the house while the master (Tom Neyman) is away. Michael insists on Torgo allowing his family to stay, despite the fact that Michael's wife, Margaret (the late Diane Mahree), and daughter, Debbie (Stephanie Nielson), aren't too keen on staying. Torgo relents and slowly carries the family's luggage into the house. Meanwhile, the master awakens, and his wives (Jackey Neyman, Sherry Proctor, Robin Redd) vie for his favor by wrestling in the mud.
I'm afraid I'm not an eloquent enough writer to adequately describe the experience that is "Manos, the Hands of Fate". I don't believe I can do justice to this diamond in the rough; this magnificent piece of filmmaking that is - oh forget it, I can't even say it. "Manos, the Hands of Fate" is, arguably, the worst movie of all time. Imagine, if you will, the following: Hal Warren, a fertilizer salesman, bets a friend that he can make a popular horror film on a minimal budget. He hires several actors who have little to no experience or training (he himself has no experience or training), and leads the cast through a script which consists of long spells of nothingness occurring. You're no doubt wondering why I have referred to cast members as "the late"; it's because after the film was finished, and the cast laughed out of the theater at its premier, three (that's right, three) cast members committed suicide. "Manos" (which means hands, by the way) has since become a legendary film; one which can only be watched under one of three circumstances: you're completely drunk, completely insane, or completely asleep.
While looking over the list of actors involved in this project, you'll most likely realize that none of the names sound familiar. That's because each cast member sealed his/her acting fate by appearing in this "movie". Not one actor involved went on to make any other picture. Could appearing in a bad movie really do this to one's career? It's Doubtful. For example, Barry Pepper will no doubt go on to make other films after "Battlefield Earth" (which is not to say "Battlefield Earth" is in the same league as "Manos"). The chief reason none of these actors went on to other films is because none of them could act. Hal Warren was as incompetent in front of the camera as he was behind it; Tom Neyman made Van Damme look like an Oscar winner; and Diane Mahree's part consisted of, well, nothing really. The only two actors worth noting are John Reynolds and Stephanie Nielson. Stephanie Nielson may have been only a child, but she outdid every adult in the film (she's no doubt in a mental institute somewhere after experiencing this movie). John Reynolds, who was sadly one of the three casualties of this war, actually showed some small trace of talent. Do I mean he was good? Not in the slightest. Yet, I think if he'd received some schooling and experience he might have gone on to a small career.
So what does a movie look like when there's no budget? Well, picture "The Blair Witch Project" without the scares (oh wait, there were no scares in "Blair Witch"), the extras, the scenery, or the nice cameras. You see, "Manos, the Hands of Fate" was filmed with such a cheap, ancient camera that the film could only be shot in thirty two second bursts. This means there are fades and/or cuts every thirty two seconds for no reason. The costuming in "Manos" is rather interesting. There are really only three different bits of costuming: the wives' undergarments, which they wear while fighting each other; the master's cloak of hands, which is a large cloak covered in large hands (something involving the god Manos, whom he serves); and Torgo's knees. Torgo's knees, by the way, may look like nothing more than large anomalies stuck to his legs, but they're actually an ingenious invention thought up by John Reynolds. Torgo is actually supposed to be a satyr, and the large knees were supposed to represent goat legs. I'm not quite sure how Reynolds thought this up, and I'm not sure how we were supposed to know they were goat legs, and I'm not even sure why Torgo is supposed to be a Satyr, but there you have it.
There are two more things worth noting in "Manos". One is the dialogue, particularly that of Torgo; the other is the soundtrack. Torgo's dialogue generally consists of repeating the same phrases over and over again. For example, when asked about the master's health, Torgo states: "Dead? No, madam. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always." I think Warren wanted to emphasize the fact that he wasn't dead like we know it, but I could be wrong. Torgo also states, in a line vaguely (very vaguely) reminiscent of a classic line from Rosalie Crutchley in "The Haunting": "There is no way out of here. It'll be dark soon. There is no way out of here." It should be noted that the camera used was so ancient and decrepit that it could not record sound. Therefore, all the characters voices were dubbed by four different people: Hal Warren, Hal's wife, and two friends. The soundtrack to "Manos" is certainly one of the high-points. After some strange and out of place lounge music in the film's opening (which consists of a lot of driving) we settle into the Torgo theme, which is made up of six notes played over and over again till you're certain your ears will begin to bleed. If I haven't made this film sound bad enough, and you are unfortunate enough to go and witness it, I do apologize. I'd recommend "Manos, the Hands of Fate" to those who simply adore classic bad movies (because this one ranks amongst the worst) and award it a full one out of five stars.
Comments? Send to: johnbeachem@dependentfilms.net
Past reviews can be found at: http://www.epinions.com/user-elerad?public=yes or http://us.imdb.com/ReviewsBy?John+Beachem
* * * * * - One of the best movies of the year. * * * * - Great flick, try and catch this one. * * * - Okay movie, hits and misses. * * - Pretty bad, see it at your own risk. * - See this one only if you enjoy pain.
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