VAMPIRES
Review by John Beachem
* * * 1/2
Directed by: John Carpenter Written by: John Steakley (novel), Don Jakoby
Jack Crow (James Woods) is a vampire hunter by trade. He and his team are funded by the Catholic church to track down vampire nests and wipe the beasties out. After their latest assignment, the team is "relaxing" at a hotel when a master vampire named Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith) comes calling and wipes the team out. The only ones to escape are Jack, his friend, Montoya (One of the Baldwins), and a prostitute named Katrina (Sheryl Lee) who was bitten by Valek. They find out that Valek is actually the very first vampire, accidentally created by the catholic church. He's trying to locate an artifact which will give him unlimited power, and his search is almost complete. Now Jack, Montoya, and a young priest named Father Adam Guiteau (Tim Guinee) have to track him down. They're using Katrina to find him because she now has a psychic link with Valek and sees what he sees. Of course, time is running out because Katrina will be a vampire in a matter of days.
John Carpenter's "Vampires" is the very epitome of the guilty pleasure. As I sat watching this marvelously stupid spectacle unfold, I knew I was watching a truly bad movie. Yet despite this realization I couldn't help but enjoy myself. There's something fun about "Vampires" that one simply cannot explain. Now, as a horror movie, the film is rather pitiful. There's nothing remotely scary about it, and whenever Thomas Ian Griffith actually tries to act scary, it's pretty laughable. Okay fine, so it's no horror movie. How does it work as an action movie? Well, uh, Woods and company basically kill each vampire in the exact same way, over and over again. It gets a tad tedious after awhile. Fine, how about as a thriller? There were a couple of good startle effects, somewhere, I think. Okay, so it's not much of a horror, there are only one or two thrills, and it doesn't work too well as an action movie. So why exactly did I like it? Frankly, I'm still trying to figure that out myself. There's plenty of gore, and I'm something of a gore lover; there's a great score by Carpenter himself; but I think the best part of the film is the highly entertaining performance from James Woods.
Woods ("Contact") isn't exactly the type of guy I think of when I list off great actors. I mean sure, he's got a few Oscar nominations under his belt, and maybe an Emmy or two, but what does that count for? Despite all this, he turns in a truly entertaining performance in "Vampires". He's clearly having a great time, and he really gets into it at times (watch for when he's riding a vampire out into the sun, stabbing it in the chest crying "Die! Die!"). It's too bad his supporting cast doesn't do quite so well. That Baldwin I mentioned earlier turns out to be Daniel (they're all interchangeable anyway), and he turns in a typical Baldwin performance. What's a typical Baldwin performance? Well, it's less than impressive when they're acting emotionless (that's most of the time), and laughably bad when they're trying to show emotion (which happens more often than I'd like). Sheryl Lee's (hey! it's Laura Palmer from "Twin Peaks"!) performance involves little more than violently shaking while muttering Valek's activities, and Tim Guinee ("Blade") is adequate if uninspiring as the young priest. Finally we have Thomas Ian Griffith ("Kull the Conqueror"), overacting for all he's worth. Yet while James Woods' overacting is fun and entertaining, Griffith's is just plain irritating.
First, I'm going to quickly cover the one thing about "Vampires" that I truly didn't like. I don't mean it was cheesy (because that would cover the whole movie), I mean I found it offensive. First and foremost is the treatment of Sheryl Lee's character by Daniel Baldwin. Now, I realize she's turning into a vampire, and I realize that makes her sub-human. Now you must realize that I don't care. I find it repulsive to watch a film's "hero" beat up a woman for not giving him answers as quickly as he wants. I find it even more repulsive that he falls in love with her while smacking her around. That's just wrong. Okay, gimme a second while I climb down off my pedestal. Alright, as I mentioned but a moment ago, the rest of this film is filled with cheese. The dialogue is cheesy ("I killed my own father padre, I got no trouble killing you."), the sets are cheesy (the hidden monastery has to be seen to be believed), the costumes and props are cheesy (Jack's crossbow looks about as threatening as your average super-soaker), but you know what? You probably won't care. You'll probably sit there with a big grin on your face, shaking your head in disbelief at the fact that you're actually having a good time (I know I was). If you go in wanting nothing more than that, you should have a blast. If you want a deep, horrifying vampire movie, you're in for an experience more disappointing than the second "Scream" film.
Carpenter, being the good horror director he is, does create a few moments of real tension in the film. They mainly hit near the end of the film when Jack, Montoya, and Father Adam confront Valek and his retinue, and involve Father Adam luring vampires into the open. The way in which the scene ends is really quite interesting. Carpenter's score is really little more than a few notes being played repeatedly. It actually reminded me of a Tom Petty song called "Cabin Down Below". Anyway, despite its simplicity, the score works well with the dusty locations where the film is shot. The other high point to the film is the dialogue. While it's certainly cheesy, it's also quite entertaining. In particular I enjoyed a little monologue by Woods about what vampires really are. "Vampires" runs a little too long at 107 minutes, but it seldom lags. I'd recommend the film to fans of cheesy horror movies and to fans of James Woods. I wouldn't recommend it to you if you love movies like "Interview With the Vampire", because it is the polar opposite of "Vampires" I give the film three and a half out of five stars.
Comments? Send to: johnbeachem@dependentfilms.net
Past reviews can be found at: http://www.epinions.com/user-elerad or http://us.imdb.com/ReviewsBy?John+Beachem
* * * * * - One of the best movies of the year. * * * * - Great flick, try and catch this one. * * * - Okay movie, hits and misses. * * - Pretty bad, see it at your own risk. * - See this one only if you enjoy pain.
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