DRACULA 2000
Review by John Beachem
* * 1/2
Directed by: Patrick Lussier Written by: Joel Soisson, Patrick Lussier
Abraham Van Helsing (Christopher Plummer) is an antiques dealer with a secret in the cellar of his massive home. No one is entirely sure what he has buried down there, guarded by a high tech security system, but Marcus (Omar Epps) and his team of cyber thieves intend to find out. What they discover is not the gold and jewels they came for. Instead, they find Dracula himself (Gerard Butler), buried for over a hundred years. Dracula is soon released from his prison and seeks out Van Helsing's daughter, Mary (Justine Waddell), whom he is connected to in ways even he doesn't fully understand. So, Van Helsing and his assistant, Simon (Jonny Lee Miller), track the prince of darkness across Europe. As they travel, Simon (Belmont maybe?) soon realizes that all the legends aren't true. Dracula may hate crosses, but they don't exactly hurt him. Silver stakes are the way to go, and Drac's hatred of Christianity and silver may be the key to finding his weakness and killing him once and for all.
Hey Patrick, Dracula may be immortal, but we're not, and you just wasted two precious hours of our lives. Oh and what a waste of time this movie is. If you're like me, you'll spend your time trying vainly to keep from falling asleep (I asked the girl next to me to please slap me upside the head if I started drifting off. She seemed to like that idea and hit me even when I wasn't falling asleep) or chatting with folks next to you about the good old days when Dracula movies were entertaining. You know, the moment Dimension's logo hit the screen at the film's start, I got this sick feeling in my stomach. I had to wonder, why should I feel this way? Afterall, Dimension brought us Scream and From Dusk Til Dawn; two films which perfectly combine horror and comedy for a rousing good time. Then it dawned on me, while Dimension may have given us those great flicks, what have the brought us lately? Highlander: Endgame? Reindeer Games? That's not much of a resume there, and despite my hopes that Dracula 2000 would pull them out of their rut with Wes Craven's name attached to it, this was not to be.
Hey, look everyone, it's another cast full of young and talentless actors. Jonny Lee Miller (Mansfield Park) leads our fairly talentless cast with a performance that almost borders on tolerable at times. He tries to deliver his lines with something resembling flair, but when your dialogue is about as wooden as the stake your trying to stick through Dracula (sorry, they're silver stakes now; when did that happen?), you can't be expected to do too much. Then there's Justine Waddell (Mansfield Park... interesting), about as attractive as your average teen actor, and just about as talented. How about Gerard Butler as the prince/princess/wolf/bat/leech of darkness? Try to imagine a nancy boy wearing a black trench-coat that's about two sizes too large, staring at everyone with a wide-eyed look that seems to say "Hey, look at me, I'm in a movie! Teehee!" That's our boy. The only saving grace comes from Omar Epps (The Wood), who does what he can with a seriously underwritten role, and the great Christopher Plummer (The Insider). When these two are on screen the film is almost tolerable. Almost being the key word there.
Here's a quick lesson for all you aspiring directors out there: a few startles do not a horror movie make. Does Dracula 2000 have startles? Oh yes, of the cheap, cheesy, I would have seen it coming if I'd been paying attention to the movie variety. Does it have any scares? Not only does it not have a single scare, it doesn't have anything even remotely resembling a scare. It's as though Lussier intentionally avoided scaring his audiences. Yet it wasn't the lack of scares that surprised me. I've come to expect that from modern horror movies. What really surprised me is that there was no humor here either. The closest the film ever gets to a humorous moment is Dracula watching a music video filled with images of fire and people wearing leather. There is a look of sheer admiration on his face as he whispers, "brilliant." Other than that, don't expect a chuckle this time around. Why is this lack of humor surprising? Because most modern horror and slasher films have decided to forgo horror in favor of self-aware humor. Dracula 2000 has ditched horror in favor of... what exactly?
So, what works in the film? The first twenty or so minutes, in which we see the high-tech, high energy break in is quite entertaining. After watching it I'd settled in for what looked to be an entertaining movie. My mistake. That's about all that works in the film, but let me tell you right now what really, REALLY doesn't work. You ready? This is a minor spoiler (not that you should care). Forget everything you thought you knew about Dracula, folks. Forget all those stories about his once being Vlad the Impaler, a Transylvanian. According to Patrick Lussier, Dracula was actually the man responsible for turning Jesus in for his ten pieces of silver. Umm... what? I can forgive a bad horror movie, but I'm not too willing to forgive a bad horror movie that rewrites a good one. I've got to briefly mention the film's soundtrack, which is an unusual combination of modern rock songs and operatic singing which sounds like a bad Hans Zimmer imitation. While the soundtrack's disjointed feeling does rather fit the tone of the movie, that's not necessarily a good thing. Dracula 2000 runs far too long at 127 minutes. I'd recommend the film to those who think modern horror movies "rule" (you people confuse me) and give it two and a half out of five stars. By the way, there is one legitimate scare in the film. It's preceded by five, count them, five different teen-flick previews. Lord have mercy.
Comments? Send to: johnbeachem@dependentfilms.net
Past reviews can be found at: http://us.imdb.com/ReviewsBy?John+Beachem
* * * * * - One of the best movies of the year. * * * * - Great flick, try and catch this one. * * * - Okay movie, hits and misses. * * - Pretty bad, see it at your own risk. * - See this one only if you enjoy pain.
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