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Miramax Films makes two kinds of movies - those that win awards and those that make money. The former are arthouse hits that star the likes of Natasha Richardson, Alan Rickman and Rachel Griffiths, while the latter are usually teen-oriented comedies featuring dreamy (but dull) talent like Josh Hartnett and Rachael Leigh Cook. The creative gap between the two resembles the Pacific Ocean, but nobody minds because each turd like Down To You can bring in enough money to make five Hamlets and buy five Butterflys.
Apparently some stroke victim over at Miramax greenlit a project that merged the studio's two genres into one ugly film. It's called Blow Dry and it's about a British hairdressing competition. The very idea of a film about competitive hairdressing is preposterous to begin with, and it could possibly be the worst premise for a movie since Stallone's Over the Top, but what makes Blow Dry even more bothersome is that it isn't even the 21st century's first film about a British haircutting contest. That's right - less than one year ago, we saw the release of The Big Tease, a similarly themed farce that looks like Citizen Kane when placed next to Blow Dry.
Now let's discuss the title. There are certain words that should be avoided when choosing a name for your film. If you're not careful, something that seemed clever at the time could turn around and bite you in the ass when review headlines blare "Do Whatever It Takes to avoid this movie." Obviously "awful" and "bad" are off limits (see Bad Girls), as are "good" and "great" (see Isn't She Great). Anything with "love" or "hate" could cause trouble (see A Thin Line Between Love and Hate). I'd even be leery of words that could taunt in rhyme ("If you're a big, fat dummy, you'll love The Mummy"). But "blow?" Come on. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Or making fun of the President.
Blow Dry opens with the announcement that the small town of Keighley will host the 2000 British Hair Championship. Keighley's Mayor (Warren Clarke) is thrilled about the news, but when he announces it to the village's press corps, they all yawn disapprovingly. Or maybe it was everyone in the audience yawning. It's hard to tell because I was distracted by the fact that such a small town had so many members of the press.
It becomes clear fairly early on that there are three hairdressing teams in the film: the one we're supposed to root for, the one we're supposed to dislike, and the one that's supposed to make us laugh until our sides hurt. The good guys are, essentially, a family torn apart by infidelity. Former hairdressing champ Phil (Rickman, Galaxy Quest) was married to Shelley (Richardson, The Parent Trap), but she ran off with his model, Sandra (Griffiths, Me Myself I). Now Phil and his son Brian (Hartnett, Here on Earth) run a Keighley barbershop, while Shelley and Sandra own the town's only salon. Will they be able to patch up their differences before the contest's all-important Total Look category begins?
The bad guys are even less interesting. Bill Nighy (Still Crazy) plays an evil stylist with an underling who rigs each competition with things like trick combs. He also has a daughter (Cook, AntiTrust) who is visiting from Minneapolis and gets temporarily sucked into her father's evil plans before falling for the hunky Brian. The supposedly funny hairdressing team is made up of two sexually ambiguous Siegfried and Roy-types who have a beautiful model (played by supermodel Heidi Klum).
Hartnett and Cook aside, the remaining acting talent looks embarrassed to be here, but not nearly as embarrassed as it should be. The characters get more and more annoying as we're introduced to them, but each individual character grows more aggravating as the film progresses, as well. Hartnett mumbles his way through a British accent, which sounded decent at first, but that was because his lines were limited to one word. Thankfully, Cook doesn't even attempt the accent, and is, basically, eye candy.
Blow Dry was written by The Full Monty's Simon Beaufoy, who peppers the film with a bunch of stuff that's supposed to make the audience titter but instead is greeted with groans. The movie is surprisingly short on gay jokes, which is just about the only cliché that isn't totally exploited by Beaufoy. Blow Dry doesn't have a lick of Monty's charm and, worse yet, just isn't funny. Even the film's big sight gag - a shot of Heidi Klum's well-coiffed bush - goes over like a lead zeppelin. But since Everybody Loves Raymond is popular, some folks may actually enjoy it.
1:32 - R for some language and brief nudity
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