TIMECOP
A film review by Craig Good
Copyright 1994 Craig Good
The destination of tonight's BNO (Boys Night Out) was TIMECOP, the latest Charles Van Damme vehicle. I don't believe I have ever seen a duller action picture in my life. When I saw Peter Hyams' name on the credits, I knew that a) the depiction of technology would be incredibly stupid, b) the politics would be both stupid and Politically Correct, and c) there would be a terrific chase sequence somewhere in the movie. Well, two out of three ain't bad.
Time-travel movies, as a genre, present many plotting challenges. One may either face the Grandfather Paradox and turn it into a brilliant twist, as in BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, or one may turn tail and fall tumbling through plot holes the size of the Grand Canyon. With Van Damme's leaden acting as ballast, TIMECOP takes the plunge straight down into mind-numbing boredom.
A good stupid movie, such as SPEED is said to be enjoyable if you just "shut down your brain" for a while. While watching TIMECOP I had to go way past any higher brain functions and was starting to shut down the autonomic systems. It didn't help. I was down to just respiration and a heartbeat, and the movie *still* didn't make any sense. Should you have the misfortune to actually see this film, don't even *think* about engaging your brain during the period between the end of the film and when it vanishes from your memory (a very dangerous five minutes) because you'll probably strip a gear and need a tow truck for your head.
The production design is probably the funniest thing about the film. The "futuristic" cars look like old Fords that had been attacked by a High School art class armed with lots of Tupperware and glue. The computer effects might have been impressive had the producers found a way to transport the film back in time some ten years, but today they make nearly as dull a thud as Van Damme's acting. It's not all his fault, though. Hyams may not know how to shoot a martial arts sequence, but at least he can make a gratuitous sex scene look like it was accidentally cut in from a completely different movie. And he never did deliver that chase scene.
By now, some readers are thinking, or hoping, that this is a "good" bad movie. Wrong. This isn't so-bad-it's-funny. It's just lay-there-and-stink bad. TIMECOP is a time-travel movie which succeeded only in making my watch stop for a couple of hours.
--Craig
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