Trembling Before G-d (2001)

reviewed by
Jon Popick


Summer 2001: The Studio Which Would Be King
A feature story by Max Messier
Copyright 2001 filmcritic.com

The billboards have been taken down, the endless parade of TV spots has stopped, the lines around the block are now non-existent, and the summer movie fiasco of 2001 has come to a close. With too much time on our hands and the ugly notion that we can really make a difference, filmcritic.com presents the winners and losers from four painful months of J. Lo's acting, seven sequels, another dinosaur movie, horrible remakes, and Michael Bay's first financial failure.

MAY

" The Mummy Returns - Brendan Fraser and company return to defeat those damn mummies. Our response: Chock full of what is best described simply as bizarre nonsense." - 1 1/2 stars $98 million budget - $202 million gross - Winner: Universal

" Shrek - CGI animation at its finest as a lonely ogre finds friends, defeats a dragon, and falls in love. Our response: "Zings along, providing fun and thrills at every turn." - 3 1/2 stars $60 million budget - $261 million gross - Winner: Dreamworks

" Pearl Harbor - Bay and Bruckhiemer's revision of the Japanese WWII attack. Our response: "Another step toward the Disneyfication of our collective memories." - 2 1/2 stars $152 million budget - $195 million gross - Loser: Disney (after all the marketing costs)

" Angel Eyes - J. Lo finds love in a sappy story of two lost souls looking for redemption. Our response: "A standard love story about two standard people." - 2 stars $38 million budget - $24 million gross - Loser: Warner

" A Knight's Tale - Classic tale of squires and swords set to a loud, classic rock score. Our response: "Fun? Yes, but the movie as a whole feels goofy and a little cheap." - 3 stars $41 million budget - $56 million gross - Winners: Fox and Sony

JUNE

" The Animal - Rob Schnieder becomes a Frankenstein full of animal parts; hilarity ensures. Our response: "I'm almost ashamed that I laughed out loud so much." - 3 1/2 stars $22 million budget - $56 million gross - Winner: Sony

" Moulin Rouge - A tragic love affair set to song and dance at the infamous Parisian brothel. Our response: "Nothing short of the rebirth of the movie musical." - 4 1/2 stars $52 million budget - $55 million gross -- Winner: Fox (barely, but the soundtrack made money, right?)

" What's The Worst That Could Happen? - Martin Lawrence and Danny DeVito battle wits over personal property - insert comedy here. Our response: "The jokes are cheap, predictable, and come solely at the expense of others." - 1 1/2 stars $45 million budget - $32 million gross -- Loser: MGM

" Evolution - Duchovny's post X-Files feature film about an alien invasion. His agent must love him. Our response: "The plot is a wholesale rip-off of Ghostbusters." - 2 stars $80 million budget - $38 million gross - Losers: Sony and Dreamworks

" Swordfish - Hackers and gratuitous breast shots litter this Travolta super spy thriller. Our response: "Plods along like a video game for the mentally challenged." - 1 1/2 stars $80 million budget - $69 million gross - Loser: Warner Bros.

" Atlantis: The Lost Empire - Disney's big summer movie about the lost city and the explorers destined to discover it. Our response: "An eye-popping mix of action, adventure, and sweeping visual landscapes." - 4 stars $90 million budget - $81 million gross - Loser: Disney

" Tomb Raider - The big-screen adaptation of the popular video game starring Angelina Jolie. Our response: "Even the teen hormones that live in all us guys are squashed by this one." - 1 1/2 stars $80 million budget - $130 million gross - Winner: Paramount

" Dr. Dolittle 2 - Eddie Murphy returns in one of his most successful roles to date as the doctor who talks to animals. Our response: "Never really sells the humanization of its animal characters." - 3 stars $72 million budget - $110 million gross - Winner: Fox

" The Fast and The Furious - Fast cars and Vin Diesel combine for a high-octane cops and robbers story about illegal street racing. Our response: "Homogenized into a regurgitated episode from Starsky and Hutch." - 2 1/2 stars $38 million budget - $141 million gross - Winner: Universal

" A.I. - Spielberg's completion of Kubrick's original vision to tell a story of a robot boy finding love in a desolate future world. Uh huh. Our response: "The jumble of stolen plots, sets, and characters becomes so daunting the film degenerates into utter nonsense." - 3 stars $90 million budget - $78 million gross - Loser: Universal and Dreamworks

JULY

" Cats and Dogs - The Cold War between cats and dogs is brought to life with CGI and animatronics. Our response: "It sounds ugly but hey, it's a kids movie and that's the audience that will love it." - 2 1/2 stars $60 million budget - $91 million gross - Winner: Warner Bros.

" Kiss of the Dragon - Superstar Jet Li and action maestro Luc Besson team up for an action-packed adventure set in Paris. Our response: "Jet Li has finally returned to prime ass-kicking form in his latest kung fu extravaganza." - 4 stars $25 million budget - $35 million gross - Winner: Fox

" Scary Movie 2 - Those crazy Wayans Brothers run the horror film satire gauntlet again; this time, no Carmen Electra. Our response: "There's a fine line between funny and just plain sick; this movie goes way beyond that line." - 1 1/2 stars $45 million budget - $71 million gross - Winner: Miramax

" Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within - CGI big-screen adaptation of the popular video game series. Our response: "Visually awe-inspiring and groundbreaking." - 3 1/2 stars $137 million budget - $32 million gross - BIG Loser: Sony

" Legally Blonde - Reese Witherspoon plays dumb blonde attending Harvard to win back law school boyfriend. Huh? Our response: "Manages to maintain a certain sense of charm." - 3 stars $18 million budget - $86 million gross - BIG Winner: MGM

" The Score - Method acting duel among De Niro, Norton, and Brando in a brilliant cat-and-mouse heist. Our response: "Makes you feel like you're handing De Niro a bolt cutter." - 4 1/2 stars $68 million budget - $68 million gross - Even: Paramount

" America's Sweethearts - Julia Roberts stars. Leave it to Billy Crystal to muck this up. Our response: "The jokes aren't funny, its pace is choppy, and the whole affair comes off as a vanity project." - 2 stars $48 million budget - $90 million gross - Winner: Sony

" Jurassic Park III - Sam Neill returns to that dinosaur-infested island to outwit those pesky Raptors once again. Our response: "Loud, smash-and-crash monster movie fun at its finest." - 4 stars $93 million budget - $173 million gross - Winner: Universal

" Planet of the Apes - Marky Mark Wahlberg battles those damn, dirty apes in Burton's remake of the classic. Our response: "An insult to the intelligence and wit of the original film." - 1 star $100 million budget - $167 million gross - Winner: Fox

AUGUST

" The Princess Diaries - King Ralph meets Pretty Woman in this Julie Andrews comedy about a young woman and her kingdom. Our response: "There isn't anything distinctive to make it particularly memorable." - 2 1/2 stars $30 million budget - $95 million gross - Winner: Disney

" Rat Race - Individuals in Vegas race for a satchel of money in this It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World revision. Our response: "It's summer junk food for the soul." - 3 1/2 stars $48 million budget - $40 million gross - Loser: Paramount

" Rush Hour 2 - Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker trade punches and insults with bad guys. Again. Our response: "The clash of genres feels intrusive and awkward." - 3 stars $90 million budget - $250 million gross -- Winner: New Line

" American Pie 2 - Lesbians, homoerotic tendencies, super glue, and MILF -- the boys are back in town. Our response: "It ain't Woody Allen, but damn if it isn't utterly hysterical." - 4 stars $30 million budget - $175 million gross - BIG Winner: Universal

" The Curse of the Jade Scorpion - Woody Allen's latest about insurance scams and hypnotic love. Our response: "Occasionally brilliant, as only Allen could spin the archetypal, mismatched, sparring couple movie." - 3 stars $26 million budget - $20 million gross - Loser: Dreamworks

" Osmosis Jones - The Farrelly Brothers weave a strange story about man and his virus -- using both live-action and animation. Our response: "Just a handful of chuckles by the film's end." - 3 stars $75 million budget - $35 million gross - Loser: Warner Bros.

" The Others - Big screen screams with Nicole Kidman and a spooky house. Our response: "There are very few chills until the finale." - 3 stars $17 million budget - $85 million gross - Winner: Miramax

" American Outlaws - The legend of Jesse James illustrated with Hollywood's cutest. Our response: "The movie is full of old, outrageous tales about the Wild West." - 1 1/2 stars $35 million budget - $22 million gross - Loser: Warner Bros.

" Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Nic Cage and Penelope Cruz heat up the screen in this WWII drama. Our response: "It's a sweet but flawed wartime romance." - 3 stars $57 million budget - $40 million gross - Losers: Universal and Miramax

" Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - Kevin Smith's token characters are on a road-trip to stop a movie's production. Ironically, they should have stopped this film's production. Our response: "Smith has fallen for the same grab bag of pop culture that teen comedy producers eat with a spoon." - 2 1/2 stars $22 million budget - $45 million gross - Winner: Miramax

" John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars - Carpenter's sci-fi western is light on the crazed colonists on Mars plot but heavy on directing. Our response: "A hapless mishmash of poorly constructed dialogue and ill-conceived action sequences." - 1 star $28 million budget - $15 million gross - Loser: Sony

" Summer Catch - Freddy Prinze Jr. plays Tim Robbins' role in Bull Durham in this quirky sports comedy about life, love, blah blah blah. Our response: "It's definitely not a sports movie, and it fails pretty miserably at being a romance." - 2 stars $17 million budget - $35 million gross - Winner: Warner Bros.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Our math is sketchy and some films are still tracking, but Universal is the summer's runaway success, with three of its six films being sequels of already known quantities. On the flipside, thanks to the disastrous Final Fantasy Sony is the only studio that failed to recoup its budget through theatrical grosses -- and the studio only gets to keep half of that!

Adding up the totals, here's where the studios stand so far. For those of you who shelled out good money on a summer full of losers, shame.

Universal: up $417 million
Dreamworks: up $168 million
Disney (with Miramax): up $156 million
Warner Brothers (with New Line): up $126 million
Fox: up $125 million
MGM: up $55 million
Paramount: up $42 million
Columbia: down $56 million

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