'3BlackChicks Review...'
BANDITS (2001) Rated PG-13; running time 123 minutes Genre: crime adventure with random and yet unfunny "comedic" elements Seen at: Lowes Star Southfield (Detroit, Michigan) Official site: http://www.mgm.com/bandits/ IMDB site: http://us.imdb.com/Details?0219965 Written by: Harley Peyton Directed by: Barry Levinson Cast: Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Cate Blanchett, Troy Garity, Bobby Slaton
Review Copyright Rose Cooper, 2001 Review URL: http://www.3blackchicks.com/bamsbandits.html
So, what do you do when the very first scene in a movie has you rolling your eyes...and you've barely made it through the credits?
The Story (WARNING: **spoilers contained below**) Impulsive Cool Dude Joe (Bruce Willis) and his Neurotic Hypochondriac Buddy Terry (Billy Bob Thornton) are escaped cons [roll] on the run, who decide - rather, Joe decides on the cuff; the more careful Terry just hangs on for the ride - to get back into the bank robbing business. Needing to come up with a plan, they settle on a scheme to make enough money doing bank heists to front a legit restaurant business in Mexico. Being Gentlemen Bandits, they decide to take the unusual tack of kidnapping bank managers and their families the night before a holdup, taking them to the bank the next morning, thus causing as little disruption as possible. It is in Mom & Pop USA's homes where Hilarity begins to Ensue.
The duo becomes a trio when Terry is nearly run over by almost equally neurotic (and definitely sex-starved) Bored Housewife Kate (Cate Blanchett), who pisses Terry off and melts over Cool Dude Joe's Manly Manliness [roll]. They grow into a foursome when Joe brings on his Braindead Stuntman Cousin Harold (Troy Garity) to drive the getaway car [ooh roll].
Meanwhile, this unnecessarily long flick is further elongated by a completely unnecessary "America's Most Wanted" take off, with Bobby Slaton as a reporter tracking the "notorious" Sleepover Bandits, and their supposed hostage Kate, across Oregon and Califunny, to what could be their ultimate showdown.
The Upshot: It is my custom to give my readers a "spoiler" warning, since any plot info I divulge in "The Story" might be something for which the audience did not want to be forewarned. I needn't have bothered with BANDITS, though. This movie is actually its own self-contained spoiler, leaving traces of itself all over the theater floor. I wasn't surprised by a single frame of it, not for one millisecond. Every plot device, inanimate or human, was clearly recognized for what it was from the time it showed on-screen. Forget the "too much information! They've shown all the best bits!" trailers in the weeks before its release; BANDITS spoiled *itself*.
In more ways than one. I'll admit that I lost interest in this train wreck early on, when Joe got all High And Mighty about being called out his name by Kate when she chided him about stealing hard-earned moolah from The Little People. 'Nonsense!', spewed Joe; 'this bank money is FDIC-insured, I'm just stealing from the government who stole from us'. PeeYEW, who left that fetid meat out on the editing table?
The only reason BANDITS doesn't get my full redlight wrath is because you gotta love somebody named Billy Bob who doesn't also have most of his teeth missing, fly a rebel flag at a civil rights picnic, and have a broke down trailer for a home. As often happens, Billy Bob Thornton plays the only interesting character in the bunch. His Terry is the only one - and I do mean the! only! one! - I didn't feel like taking a baseball bat to every time he opened his mouth. And even then, Billy Bob Thornton's presence just barely moved this flick to yellowlight territory. I especially cringed at e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e m-o-v-e by Kate; then again, Cate Blanchett tends to have that effect on me. Terry's neuroses made him interesting, in a way that Joe's and Kate's didn't even come close to, not to mention Harold the ObDoofus. I found myself cursing the day that Barry Levinson ever saw Wills and Blanchett and thought, "aha!"
Not that Levinson - former writer, director, and producer of TSFKABDSOT (ask somebody), HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET - gets a pass. Indeed, I blame him most, especially for that bile-inducing payoff at the end. Come on, guy, you once wrote for HOMICIDE cops on TeeVee; you *know* better than that! Shame on you, Levinson.
An internet friend of mine (who, coincidentally, is a member of the same ex-"Homicide" list I'm on) asked me if I thought the "Once Upon A Time In China" parody movie IRON MONKEY, was over-the-top. My response? True story or not, given the crap that BANDITS asks its viewers to believe about Mom And Pop USA eagerly welcoming these bandits into their homes...well, give me "over-the-top" for $200, Alex.
The "Black Factor" [ObDisclaimer: We Are Not A Monolith]:
[...or, "watch Bammer piss some people off"]
Every now and then, I like to play a game called "Imagine It With Black folks". Wanna play? Sure you do.
"Imagine Joe and Terry as Black bank robbers, traipsing across the countryside, robbing banks and being generally thought of as Charming Goofs...and no one ever calls the cops." Can ya see it?
Then again, I can't really see this mess with *White* folks, so...
Bammer's Bottom Line: You mean, I dragged myself out of my Warm Comfortable Bed on a rainy Sunday morning for *this*? Bah.
BANDITS (rating: yellowlight):
BANDITS stole two hours and three minutes of my life. I'd like it back, please.
Rose "Bams" Cooper Webchick and Editor, 3BlackChicks Review Entertainment Reviews With Flava! Copyright Rose Cooper, 2001 EMAIL: bams@3blackchicks.com http://www.3blackchicks.com/
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