WATERWORLD
A film review by Gharlane of Eddore
Copyright 1995 Gharlane of Eddore
0 out of * * * * possible.
"Something is fishy in the state of Universal."
About ten years back, with the unexpected success of MAD MAX and THE ROAD WARRIOR, post-apocalypse nitty-gritty survival yarns became popular at the movies. We've always had movies of this nature; ON THE BEACH, THE END OF THE WORLD, DAMNATION ALLEY, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR, and so on.
To date, the most smoothly done were straightforward "haircuts" of the classic western plot, like the lone gunman who comes to town and protects the widow and the son against an evil organization, usually one in possession of some critical resource, like water, feed range, or a mining claim. Most of these grew out of venerable, but solid hero yarns like THE VIRGINIAN and SHANE. (My personal favorite is a Patrick Swayze movie called STEEL DAWN, which was fairly well made on a small budget.)
Now we have WATERWORLD, which again brings the traditional lone gunman to town to rescue the young widow and her daughter. (Well, she's not a widow, and the kid isn't her daughter, but you get the idea.) The lady is Helen, played by the stunning Jean Tripplehorn, who isn't given a chance to be stunning, or even interesting, by the mediocre and unimaginative script. The child Enola, played by Tina Majorino, is living proof that a child actor need not be a bad thing to have in a movie; she outshines her material all the way through.
In simple, the scene is Earth, hundreds of years from now. The polar ice caps have melted, and somehow produced enough water to inundate the entire planet. The few remaining people live in boats and floating colonies, and survive by trade, theft, or piracy. Somehow an oil tanker has survived the centuries, and its inhabitants, called "Smokers," are able to keep gasoline engines running despite the dearth of replacement parts and raw materials, so the Bad Guys have outboard engines, and fast-moving boats, airplanes, and jet skis.
Enola, found at sea as a young girl, has a mysterious map no one can read tattooed on her back. We suspect early on that it is the way to the mythical "Dryland," the place where trees, crops, and animals grow, and what plot there is hinges on Who Has Enola. The psycho ruler of the Smokers, the "Deacon," is trying to get her and find his way to Dryland. Played with typical self-lampooning, rug-chewing histrionics by Dennis Hopper, "Deacon" is the only thing in the movie that's close to amusing. His performance is *almost* laughable, but there just isn't enough there to be funny.
The star (and a co-producer) is Kevin Costner. He's playing an un-named lone denizen of the sea, a man called the "mariner," who turns out to be a gilled, water-breathing mutant with webbed feet. Very little is done with this. The script ignores the ineffectuality of gills in supplying enough oxygen to support a human metabolism; it ignores the fact that even with both ice caps completely melted, much of the Earth's surface would still be above water; and it ignores the blatant impossibility of the cultures and technology shown. (Canned meat does *not* last for centuries; ammunition does *not* fire after it's more than a few decades old; and so on, and so on...)
I'm quite fond of Tina Majorino's previous work, very impressed by Jean Tripplehorn's past accomplishments, and still speechless over Costner's DANCES WITH WOLVES.
But this movie could destroy the careers of anyone associated with it! This movie cost ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-TWO MILLION DOLLARS, and there's *nothing* in it we haven't seen before, done better on only a few percent of the cost of this turkey. At 125 minutes of material, this movie cost over ONE POINT FOUR MILLION DOLLARS PER MINUTE to make. The budget of this movie *could* have given us over THIRTY movies; it could have paid for SIX YEARS OF A PRIME-TIME SF TV SERIES WITH EXPENSIVE FX WORK, OR TEN YEARS OF AN SF TV SERIES WITH GOOD DIGITAL FX.
In sum, this movie is beneath contempt. It has nothing new to offer, it has a script that could easily have been bettered by the people who write comic books for DC, and it spent more money than the national budget of a small nation.
If you *have* to go see it, see it on a four-dollar matinee. Otherwise you'll find yourself sneering at you every time you pass a reflective surface, for weeks.
Rating: ZERO stars. (Rent a copy of STEEL DAWN and stay home;
you'll see a better movie, cheaper.)
United States, 1995
Release date: 7-28-1995
Running Length: 2:15
Rating: PG-13 (Violence, brief nudity)
Theatrical Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Cast: Kevin Costner, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Tina Majorino, Dennis Hopper, Michael Jeter Director: Kevin Reynolds Producers: Charles Gordon, John Davis, and Kevin Costner Screenplay: Peter Rader and David Twohy Cinematography: Dean Semler Music: James Newton Howard >From Universal Pictures
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