MONEY TRAIN
A film review by James Berardinelli
Copyright 1995 James Berardinelli
RATING (0 TO 10): 1.4
United States, 1995 U.S. Availability: 11/22/95 (wide) Running Length: 1:43 MPAA Classification: R (Profanity, sex, violence) Theatrical Aspect Ratio: 2.35:1
Cast: Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson, Jennifer Lopez, Robert Blake Director: Joseph Ruben Producers: Jon Peters and Neil Canton Screenplay: Doug Richardson and David Loughery Cinematography: John W. Lindley Music: Mark Mancina U.S. Distributor: Columbia Pictures
Throughout the history of cinema, Hollywood has brought together screen pairings whose natural chemistry and camaraderie have caused instant acceptance by audiences. Abbott and Costello. Laurel and Hardy. Hope and Crosby. Martin and Lewis. Matthau and Lemon. Woody and Wesley... or at least that's what Columbia Pictures is trying to sell with MONEY TRAIN (apparently banking on the success of WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP). Personally, I'm not buying.
It's probably not fair to blame the two leads entirely for the utter failure of MONEY TRAIN. While neither gives a performance that pundits are going to rave about at Oscar time, none of the above duos could have done much better with the drivel that passes for Doug Richardson and David Loughrey's script. And, as if that isn't bad enough, Joseph Ruben directs this in the most stultified, poorly-paced manner possible. Call it "How to turn an action film into a Sominex alternative."
I went into MONEY TRAIN hoping for an action flick that wouldn't require much thought. What I got instead was a movie into which no thought had been invested. As for the action--well, it's there, provided you're willing to sit through nearly ninety minutes of insipid romance and routine sibling rivalry. The bulk of this film isn't clever, charming, original, dramatically successful, or humorous. Laughable, yes, but not humorous. There isn't even any nudity to liven up proceedings. Only the final fifteen minutes (with a runaway subway train) generate any momentum, but that's a little too late to save the film.
MONEY TRAIN has one of those plots where it's fun to guess what's coming next, because you'll always be right. If you aren't, you haven't seen many movies. The film starts out by introducing us to foster brothers John (Wesley Snipes) and Charlie (Woody Harrelson). Not only do these two share a history, but they're both transit cops assigned to the subway beat. The "subtle" rivalry between them erupts into open warfare when both are smitten by their new partner, Grace Santiago (Jennifer Lopez). Meanwhile, Charlie has piled up some serious gambling debts, and begins to consider robbing the Money Train (the train that collects all the money throughout the New York City subway system) as a way out of his situation. The unremitting nastiness of Captain Patterson (Robert Blake), who will sacrifice men's lives just to keep the train on time, makes it easy for the audience to sympathize with Charlie's criminal plans. Most of that sympathy goes away, however, as we see what a real jerk Charlie is.
The best way to watch MONEY TRAIN, if you must watch it, is to bring a bunch of friends to a late showing (when there's no one else in the theater), then ridicule the movie MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000- style. Otherwise, the experience will be right up there with listening to someone scrape their fingernails across a chalkboard for an hour and a half. As for Wesley and Woody, after this debacle, about the only famous pair they resemble is Beavis and Butthead. Take your pick which is which.
- James Berardinelli (jberardinell@delphi.com)
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