TWO IF BY SEA
A film review by James Berardinelli
Copyright 1996 James Berardinelli
RATING (0 TO 10): 2.5 Alternative Scale: * out of ****
United States, 1996 U.S. Release Date: 1/12/96 (wide) Running Length: 1:35 MPAA Classification: R (Profanity) Theatrical Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Cast: Denis Leary, Sandra Bullock, Stephen Dillane, Yaphet Kotto, Wayne Robson Director: Bill Bennett Producer: James G. Robinson Screenplay: Denis Leary & Mike Armstrong Cinematography: Andrew Lesnie Music: Nick Glennie-Smith and Paddy Moloney U.S. Distributor: Warner Brothers
TWO IF BY SEA has all the earmarks of a direct-to-video release that got a theatrical detour on its way to the local Blockbuster -- due entirely, no doubt, to the presence of Sandra Bullock. I'm not sure exactly when this project went before the cameras (probably pre-SPEED), but it was obviously before Bullock's star soared into its current, high orbit. There's no other explanation why she would appear in something this wretched. It's easily her worst film to date (and that includes LOVE POTION #9).
TWO IF BY SEA tells the story of a pair thieves on the run, but Frank (Denis Leary) and Roz (Bullock) are definitely no Bonnie and Clyde. They're stupid, incompetent, and dangerous only to each other. Fortunately for them, the pursuing lawmen, led by Yaphet Kotto's O'Malley, show similar IQ levels. In fact, everyone in this movie is irredeemably dumb -- but, considering the level at which the script was written, that comes as no surprise. TWO IF BY SEA is insulting to anyone who unwittingly sacrificed money to watch it.
Frank and Roz' latest caper is to steal a $4 million Matisse painting from a private collector. While waiting to sell the booty, they break into a posh mansion and camp out there for a few days. One of the neighbors, the handsome, refined Evan Marsh (Stephen Dillane), becomes enamored with Roz, and, anxious to get her into bed, offers her a taste of "the good life". All this happens while her relationship with Frank is rapidly sliding downhill.
The probable goal of TWO IF BY SEA is to provide a humorous, bittersweet look at how lasting love changes lives. But this movie isn't funny, touching, or romantic. It's a tremendous bore that constantly challenges audience members to stay seated. What's surprising is that co-writer Leary, who is a comedian, could come up with such a singularly unappealing, flat script. If you laugh more than once during the ninety-five minute running length, you'll have my total beaten.
Sandra Bullock's star quality has saved commonplace movies like WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING and THE NET. However, miscast and uttering lines from a horrendous screenplay, there's nothing she can do for TWO IF BY SEA. She's not exactly bad, but her performance never transcends a certain level of mediocrity. Worse still, she and Leary never connect. There's no romantic spark, and it's hard to believe that their characters are (or have ever been) in love. Then there are the so- called "Boston" accents, which fade in and out, and sound exactly like someone not from Boston trying unsuccessfully to pretend that they are.
TWO IF BY SEA has a drab, dreary tone that's due as much to the unenthusiastic performances as to the bland direction. If anyone was having fun making this film, it doesn't come across. STAR WARS' gold droid C3P0 had more humanity than all of TWO IF BY SEA's characters combined. Because I never cared about Frank or Roz, the "feel good" ending left me cold. And, to think, I wasted over an hour and a half in a theater with this movie when I could have been outside shoveling snow...
James Berardinelli
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