FOUR ROOMS
A film review by John Paul Powell
Copyright 1996 John Paul Powell
Published In The Outreach Connection Newspaper (Jan. 18, 1996)
Tarantino Fans Shouldn't Check Into These Four Rooms
By John Powell
Copyright 1996 John Powell
Four Rooms
Starring: Tim Roth, Antonio Banderas, Jennifer Beals, Ione Skye, David Proval, Madonna, Valeria Golino, Paul Calderon, Bruce Willis and Quentin Tarantino.
Written and Directed by: Allison Anders, Alexandre Rockwell, Robert Rodriguez
and Quentin Tarantino.
Produced by: Lawrence Bender. An Alliance Communications release.
The origin of this atrocity began four years ago. Directors Allison Anders (Gas, Food, Lodging) Alexandre Rockwell (In The Soup) and renaissance man Quentin Tarantino (Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction) smoked the 1992 film festival circuit. Fresh and hip, the trio bonded like two socks and a sweater on tumble dry.
Shazam! Inspiration zapped Alexandre Rockwell. Why couldn't they merge their talents and shoot a picture? (Mistake Numero Uno) They rang up philosopher king Richard Linklater (Slacker, Dazed And Confused, Before Sunrise). "Thanks but no thanks," was his reply. Smart move, O' Wise One.
Quentin conned bud Robert Rodriguez (El Mariachi, Desperado) and Rockwell drew up the guidelines: four stories Crazy Glued by a rookie bellhop, a run-down Hollywood hotel and New Year's Eve. Everyone wrote their script in isolation, submitting it upon completion. (Mistake Numero Two-o)
The opening segment (The Missing Ingredient) showcases a coven of witches renting the Honeymoon Suite. Broom carrying-Broomhilda-Wicked Witch Of The West crones they ain't. We're talking Valeria Golino, Alicia Witt, Lili Taylor , Ione Skye, Sammi Davis and Madonna. Prior to filming, Madonna had an apparent advantage over the other actresses. She didn't have to research the part.
At their beck and call is Ted (Don't Call Me Theodore!) the bellboy. It's Ted's first night on the job and he's as tightly strung as Alex Lifeson's guitar. Unbeknownst to Ted (Tim Roth-Mistake Numero Four-o), he stocks the "missing ingredient" for the coven's resurrection spell. All in all, it's a sticky situation. (Mistake Numero Five-o)
Ted cannonballs out of the frying pan and into the fire delivering a bucket of ice. (Boy. These guests are lazy sloths.) By mistake, he walks in on a married couple. The wife (Jennifer Beals) is tied to a chair and gagged. Oops. Wrong room. Red-faced, Ted apologizes and retreats. The business end of a .357 Magnum stops him cold. The Wrong Man in the wrong place at the right time, Ted humors the sickos until he can split the scene. (Mistake Numero Six-o)
Two child actors (Lana McKissick and Danny Verduzco) outshine Antonio Banderas in The Misbehavers. Gangster dad (Banderas) pays Ted to babysit his Damien-Omen children so he and his wife (Tamlyn Tomita) can paint the town red. The parents book. Ted's left in charge. Scratch one Towering Inferno hotel room.
Witches. Sexual deviants. Snot-nosed brats. Minimum wage or no minimum wage. Tips or no tips. Ted calls in his resignation. The hotel manager (Marisa Tomei) begs Ted to complete one last task.
Staying in the penthouse is comedy star Chester Rush (Quentin Tarantino) and friends. As instructed, Ted fetches them a chopping block, a bucket of ice, a roll of twine, three nails and a hatchet. The occupants intend on recreating an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.
In The Man From Rio, Peter Lorre bets Steve McQueen his new car if McQueen can ignite a cigarette lighter three times in succession. If McQueen fails, his finger is lopped off. In their drunken stupor, Rush and pal Norman (Paul Calderon) make an identical wager: Rush's sports car for Norman's digit. Ted is paid handsomely to, if need be, drop the hatchet.
Four Rooms is a heartbreaker. Braced by Tarantino's leverage, the four directors had the chance to really do something special. They blew it. To feast on the Tarantino/Rodriguez double-bill (The Man From Hollywood, The Misbehavers), we have to sit through a pair of real snoozers. The Missing Ingredient and The Wrong Man are contributions Allison Anders and Alexandre Rockwell would have been better off locking in a musty chest and stashing it in the attic.
As a Tarantino junkie myself, I know what you are presuming. Two outta four ain't bad, right? Hold yer horses, pardners. Tim Roth's inept execution tips the scales.
I'm not even sure what the hell he was attempting. Roth walks as if he had a phone booth shoved up his ass and behaves as if a car battery was attached to his testicles. Every line and movement is exaggerated. A magic mushroom induced imitation of Jerry Lewis? A bungled try at physical comedy? Whatever that was, it's bleeding annoying and excruciating to behold fine actor self-destruct.
(Audible sigh) Quentin. Quentin. Quentin. You wanna support your friends. I respect that. A good friend will and should go to the wall for a chum. Chums though can't properly judge their friend's work. They'll politely stifle their genuine feelings so yours won't be bruised.
Plainly put, no director was hurt during the filming of this motion picture.
Four Rooms is rated E for Erratic. Beals rifling off synonyms for "penis" - Madonna wearing a designer Glad Bag - Tim Roth + one pickled corpse + a sister drop-kicking her brother Bret Hart style + guest star Marisa Tomei sucking on a bong - Allison Anders + Tim Roth smacking a cig out of a punk's mouth (twice) + waaay underage drinking - Alexandre Rockwell - semi-nude witches doin' the Twist = Big-o Mistake-o.
Outreach Rating: 3 mini-bars / 10
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