SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND (1978)
A film review by Andrew Hicks
Copyright 1996 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions
(1978), 0 (out of four)
Obvously, no one has ever put the Bee Gees in the same league with the Beatles, but for some reason, Barry, Robin and Maurice (the Brothers Gibb) seem to think they can take on the legend of the Fab Four. Like the other zero-star features in this book, SGT. PEPPER is an absolutely dreadful, horrendous movie, especially for Beatle fans. As someone who owns and enjoys the Abbey Road and Sgt. Pepper albums, the elevator music renditions of such classics as "Here Comes the Sun" (a.k.a. "Here Goes Our Career") and "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" (a.k.a. "Guys in Leisure Suits With No Talent") are more than painful.
It's not just the Bee Gees doing frightfully bleak covers of Beatle songs in this movie. Co-star Peter Frampton (oh boy) gets into the act, along with George Burns' serious take on the song "Fixing a Hole" (you'll laugh yourself silly during this number), Alice Cooper, who thinks he's the voice of Satan in a remake of the effeminately psychadelic "Because," Aerosmith with "Come Together" (if you're wondering why Aerosmith agreed to be in this movie, just remember it was during their heavy drug use period), Earth, Wind & Fire with a disco version of "Got to Get You Into My Life," and Billy Preston in a banana-yellow leisure suit, singing "Get Back" (sample lyric: "Maurice was a man who thought he was a woman").
The absolute worst remake in the movie (besides the fifteen Bee Gee-Frampton numbers) is Steve Martin's version of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer," a song from the Abbey Road album about a young man who kills people with a hammer. Martin's version, unlike the "Dentist" song from Little Shop of Horrors, ruins the spirit of the song, where he voices the lyrics of the song instead of singing them, a clear sign of absence of talent (Just think of all the times Madonna has done that).
The "plot" here has Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (consisting of Frampton and the Bee Gees) getting discovered, signing a contract after an orgy (You haven't lived until you've been to a PG Bee Gee orgy), and rocketing to stardom (in that alternate world where Frampton and the Bee Gees are considered talented). Meanwhile, the movie's villain Mean Mr. Mustard (just like the song) is out to steal their instruments (just like they stole the Beatles' songs), so they won't be able to make their musical magic. Like they can't find another synthesizer and drum machine at the shop around the corner. Other characters from Beatle songs include Mr. Kite (George Burns), Lucy (in the sky with diamonds) and Strawberry Fields (I'm serious).
In addition to the bad Beatle remakes, Frampton and The Bee Gees try to come off as the world's most successful ladies' men (i.e. Robin sitting on a pool diving board, singing "She's so Heavy!" while stroking the legs of two beautiful women), but instead look like the gayest foursome on the earth. At least the producers had the good sense to change the line in the song "Here Comes the Sun" from, "Little darling, it's been a long, cold, lonely winter," sung by Strawberry Fields to Frampton after a literal roll in the hay, to "Little Peter, you've really got a little peter." No, not really, but don't you wish they did?
Even worse are the costumes in the movie. During one sequence, the Bee Gees are riding in a hot air balloon in aviator costumes (which, in itself, is dreadful) when they are hit by a bolt of lightning. Suddenly, they're all dressed in costumes strangely reminiscent of the Power Rangers. Oh great, the Mighty Morphin Bee Gee Rangers.
Perhaps the most ironic sequence is a fight between Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and Peter Frampton, where Frampton actually wins. Well, Frampton never made it into the 80's, much less the 90's, and we all know Alicia Silverstone never would have agreed to appear in the music video for "Show Me the Way." Aerosmith is still going strong, while Frampton is working the fry bin at Hardee's outside of Pittsburgh.
This movie is a huge embarrassment for everyone involved (yes, even Frampton and the Bee Gees). Once you get over laughing at the sheer idiocy of all these people thinking they're the Disco Beatles, you'll still have to sit through almost two hours of falsetto Bee Gee Beatles songs. Trust me, you won't make it through the movie. No one makes it through the movie. I did, of course, but I'm the movie critic and, believe me, it wasn't in one sitting.
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