HAPPY GILMORE/ANGELS AND INSECTS
A film review by John Paul Powell
Copyright 1996 John Paul Powell
Originally Published In The Outreach Connection Newspaper
(Feb. 21, 1996)
Swatting Bugs And Golf Balls
A Review By John Powell
Copyright 1996 John Powell
Angels And Insects
Starring: Mark Rylance, Patsy Kensit, Kristin Scott Thomas and Douglas
Henshall.
Written by: Philip Haas and Belinda Haas.
Directed by: Philip Haas.
Produced by: Belinda Haas and Joyce Herlihy.
A Malofilm Distribution release.
Happy Gilmore
Starring: Adam Sandler, Christopher McDonald, Julie Bowen, Frances Bay
and Carl Weathers.
Written by: Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler.
Directed by: Dennis Dugan.
Produced by: Robert Simonds.
A Universal Pictures release.
Eggbert: Good day, readers. I'm Reginald Eggbert, a multi-bazillionaire residing in Forest Hill.
Driskel: Yo. How ya doin'? I'm Dean Driskel, an auto mechanic outta..ah... Rosedale...yeah...Rosedale!
Eggbert: Rosedale? Rosedale! How can you perpetuate such a conspicuous falsehood? Shame on you! Proclaim contrition to the good people.
Driskel: Huh?
Eggbert: Tell them you're sorry, you slobbering baboon.
Driskel: Alright. I live in Parkdale. Happy now, Reginald?
Eggbert: Deliriously so.
Driskel: Anyways, you Outreach readers wuz expectin' J.P. ta give ya da skinny on da flicks. Due to circumstances beyond his control, he couldn't make it. Me an' Egghead are fillin' in.
Our Numero-Uno film is called Angels And Insects. My old lady. Sometimes I don't git her. She goes freakin' nutso for these kinda movies. You guys understand what I'm gettin' at. Stinkin' rich Brits dressed up fancy, smokin' expensive cee-gars, yappin' d'ose big words, sippin' wine and readin' mushy poetry written by real dead guys. She loves dat stuff. She be slobberin' all over me when the tape's done, so I close my eyes and pretend I fell asleep. It works like a charm.
Angels And Insects stars Patsy Kensit. She wuz dat South African babe who had hot tamales for Mel in Lethal Weapon 2. Personally, I thought she wuz better as da werewolf-ninja-commando-assassin in Full Eclipse. She severely kicked Mario Van Peebles' ass. Not hard enuff though. He still made Highlander III and Panther.
Eggbert: Desist dallying this instant! You're deluding yourself supposing that they revere your monosyllabic, incoherent babble.
Driskel: No problem-o, Richie Rich. Geez. Tip da chauffeur an' you ain't hearin' da end of it. As I wuz sayin' before Eggbert threw a hissy fit, Patsy plays the useless Eugenia Alabaster. She don't work. She don't go ta school. Eugenia don't hafta do nothin' cuz her old man's rich. If she wuz my kid, I woulda booted her out da door.
Eggbert: Barbarian.
Driskel: The rest of da family are damn lazy too. Mrs. Jabba (The Hut) Alabaster crams powdered cakes an' candies down her yap like she wuz one of Sally Struthers' starvin' kids on TV. Eugenia's brother Edgar is a horny drunk. Old man Alabaster invites a poorbug scientist to shack wit them and da family gits bent outta shape.
Eggbert: He's a Naturalist.
Driskel: What?
Eggbert: The proper term for the character you ignorantly alluded to as a "bug scientist" is a "Naturalist".
Driskel: They collect bugs and stuff, right?
Eggbert: Yes. (Sigh) They collect bugs and..."stuff".
Driskel: Man, did I pick the wrong line of work. I use ta be good at catchin' grasshoppers. Do you know dat if ya stick a grasshopper inna freezer long enuff they go into suspended animation?
Eggbert: No. Do tell.
Driskel: Yeah. Then, if ya zap 'em inna microwave, they thaw out, turn red an' explode.
Eggbert: How delightful. Hours of entertainment, I'm sure.
Driskel: More than I can say about Angels And Insects. I vote thumbs down. It wuz like a nature special. I hate them. I only watch da ones where alligators and sharks chew off da crew's arms and legs. Dat's kool.
Eggbert: I beg to differ. As the honourable Naturalist, Mark Rylance was superb. My predicament is, I can't recommend Angels And Insects in good conscious because the filmmakers endorse an unjustifiable contempt for the Victorian English aristocracy. Symbolically comparing a nobel, principled, mannered peoples epitomizing refinement and propriety to loathsome insects is an insufferable slight. My manicured thumb goes down.
Eggbert: Our next film is Happy Gilmore. An impertinent farce brutishly mocking a gentleman's sport. Happy Gilmore features the uncouth Adam Sandler. He formerly of the Saturday Night Live television program.
Driskel: Saturday Night Live sucks. They should do da humane thing an' take it out back behind da barn an' shoot it.
Eggbert: Mr. Gilmore (Sandler), a failed hockey player, holds two illustrious records. He spent the most time in the penalty box and is the only player ever to attempt to lacerate an opposing competitor with a skate. The churlish lout has but one forte. A slapshot which transforms smoothly to a pulverizing, 400 yard tee shot on the links. Under the tutelage of golf pro Chubbs Peterson (Carl Weathers)...
Driskel: Apollo Creed! Apollo Creed!
Eggbert: ...Gilmore joins the Pro Golf tour to save his tax-evading Grandmother. His uncontrollable temper and scandalous behaviour entice common riffraff to cheer their moronic hero.
In 90 minutes, the boorish American filmmakers malign golf's opulent traditions and despoil a proud heritage taking centuries to cultivate. Rude gestures and obscene language on prominent golf courses? Unruly club house brawls?
Philistines! Thumbs down!
Driskel: Take a Valium, Reggie. Take a whole box.
Eggbert: You swine!
Driskel: Adam Sandler busted my gut. I laughed so hard, it brought tears ta my eyes. Happy Gilmore stomps Caddyshack, dat's fer sure. It's worth da eight bucks justa see Bob Barker git a whoopin'. Thumbs up!
Eggbert: Precisely what I'd assume from an unlettered Neanderthal.
Driskel: You smell.
Eggbert: Insolent dolt!
Driskel: Bite me.
Angels And Insects is rated S for Snotty. Mark Rylance - terminally dull dinner chatter - gratuitous swooning - heavingbosoms + extreme close-ups of hatching insects + dandelion handcuffs - pretentious highbrow symbolism = National Geographic meets Merchant and Ivory.
Outreach Rating: 3 cuddly ant farms / 10
Happy Gilmore is rated C for Comical. Adam Sandler + a hockey stick-shaped putter + guest star Lee Travino + assault and battery on a caddy x an AC/DC T-Shirt x wilful property damage to a mini-putt course + one midget cowboy + Jaws from Moonraker x Adam Sandler vs Bob Barker in a Texas Street Fight x golf balls dinging people in the head = a hole in one.
Outreach Rating: 7.5 eagles / 10
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