FAIR GAME
A film review by Andrew Hicks
Copyright 1996 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions
(1995) * (out of four)
This is the movie that could single-handedly bring "Mystery Science Theater 3000" out of cancellation. It's one of those movies that's so bad it's absolutely hilarious, due in no small part to its big star, supermodel Cindy Crawford. If you only remember one thing about FAIR GAME, it should be that it singlehandedly proves Crawford should stick to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. If you thought Kathy Ireland was laughable in ALIEN FROM L.A., you'll change your mind when you see FAIR GAME. Ireland would win handfuls of Oscars if this was her only competition.
In a real casting coup, Crawford plays a super-intelligent lawyer (in a jogging bra, of course). We all know this is a stretch, the only legal opinion Crawford has ever put forth being that she favors the death penalty for anyone who wears white after Labor Day. Nonetheless, someone out there thought she'd make a good lawyer, but we're reminded of her true function in the movie when she takes two showers in a period of twenty minutes. And for you horny teenage boys out there, you actually get to see her topless for two seconds in the dark... Come to think of it, that may have been a body double. Cindy Crawford isn't black, is she?
Like I said, Crawford is a lawyer with a bunch of Russians after her. Billy Baldwin (or is it Stephen? Alec? Adam? Kim Basinger?) is the police detective who has to save her life, time after time, chase after chase, explosion after explosion. There's absolutely nothing original about this movie. It's every cop show of the 70's mixed with every action thriller of the 80's and every technology- exploitation movie of the 90's. Three decades of crap all in one place, driven further into the ground by Crawford's complete lack of acting talent. And it's all completely predictable. You know the mistakes Baldwin and Crawford are going to make before they make them, you know when the "sexual tension" will finally end up in them consummating the relationship, you know when the villains will capture Crawford so Baldwin has to rescue her in the climax and you know the movie's going to suck from the first scene.
The plot isn't really explained until the end. All we know is these Russians have every detail about Crawford in their computer. In the words of one of the villains, "We even know what size pantyhose she wears." (Yeah, you and every 14-year-old boy in America.) He goes on to add, "We know more about her than she does." (_That_ I find very easy to believe.) I hope you enjoyed those two sample dialogue quotes, because I wrote down plenty of other bad ones ("If it weren't for me, you'd still be pulling bananas out of your ass in Cuba!") because, you see, FAIR GAME is not only a showcase for recycled action cliches and terrible acting, but also some seriously bad dialogue.
It all adds up to a really terrible movie that made me laugh in plenty of places I wasn't supposed to and grimace in places I was supposed to laugh. One more thing FAIR GAME has against it is some awful comic relief. Would you laugh at a scene where Crawford tortures a computer nerd with double entendres like "I'm very interested in _hard_ware" and other crap about playing with his joystick? I wouldn't, but not because I'm a computer nerd. It's just not funny. Crawford's only contribution to the Information Age are a few GIF files floating around with her head on a nude Traci Lords' body... or was it Jack Lord's body?
I'll leave you with the final line of dialogue in the movie. The boat with all the Russians has just blown up and Baldwin and Crawford are floating on a life raft. Crawford says woodenly, "That was my client's boat you just blew up. I'm filing a lawsuit against you. You're in big trouble," or something to that effect, and Baldwin replies smugly, "What do I have to do to get out of it?" They of course begin making out and the credits roll. I'm not going to talk about how stupid the line is or how, if they'd really wanted to go for a bad closing line they would have had Baldwin say, "You think I could settle out of court?" but I will tell you that, if anyone ever suggests you watch FAIR GAME with him or her, you quote the final line of the movie to that person: "What do I have to do to get out of it?"
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