DOWN PERISCOPE
A film review by Andrew Hicks
Copyright 1996 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions
(1996) *1/2 (out of four)
Even the best comic actor is at the mercy of his or her material, as this subpar submarine comedy proves. DOWN PERISCOPE stars Kelsey "Frasier" Grammer as an inept Navy captain who is given command of his own ship as part of a corrupt officer's (James Coburn) plan to get him out of the Navy. Like any lame emsemble comedy, the officer assigns him to a group of misfits like the guy who wants to be kicked out, the fat guy who eats all the time, the beautiful woman who doesn't belong there (Lauren Holly), the second-in-command who does everything by the book (Rob Schneider), the crazy old guy who freaks everyone out (Harry Dean Stanton) and so on.
Then comes the transparent plotline. First Grammer has to fix up the delapidated Korean War ship the Navy has given him, and that comes courtesy a sad sight gag montage that includes a guy with a mop knocking Schneider overboard. After the ship is fixed up come the early drills, where everyone seems completely inept, like the electrician who can't connect wires so instead lets the current run through himself every time Grammer gets on the phone.
Finally, and this covers the final hour of the movie, Grammer has to lead his men (and Holly) to overcome the other ships in a wargames exercise. And he has to be a clever rebel to do it, in scenes that stretch all levels of believability. First they're singing "Louie Louie" like a bunch of drunk sailors to throw the radar of the other ship off, then thirty minutes later, they're making whale mating noises to throw the radar of the other ship off. The whole while, Evil Captain Coburn is overacting underwater, cursing Grammer (as most people watching the movie probably are too).
It's all predictable without any original humor to redeem it. The jokes are right out of "McHale's Navy" and other cut-rate sitcoms of the past. There's one scene where Schneider looks through the ship's pantry in disgust, holds one food can up and announces, "This expired in 1966!" I yelled back at the screen, "So did these jokes." I watched this movie with the whole family and everyone hated it. My mom was so bored she brought out the coupon book midway through and, around the start of the second hour, I started writing my will.
The blame can't really be placed on the stars, though. Kelsey Grammer is good in this, he just doesn't have anything to work with. His character is said to have gotten so drunk one night that he had "Welcome Aboard" tatooed on his penis. Grammer probably did something even worse -- got really drunk and agreed to appear in a movie he knew nothing about. Same for Holley (save the penis part), who is likeable in DOWN PERISCOPE just because she's so gorgeous. As for Schneider (whose character is downright annoying), there was nowhere to go but up after SURF NINJAS, although he's still in the depths of the comedy ocean after jumping the "SNL" ship.
My theory is that DOWN PERISCOPE is one of those movies that got the green light before the script was even written as a formula comedy ("Okay, it's POLICE ACADEMY in the Navy with Frasier at the helm and the chick from DUMB AND DUMBER.") and after everyone was signed on turned into a disaster. Judging from the video box, most other movie critics agree with me. The only quote the DOWN PERISCOPE copy writers could dig up came from the Prevue channel's Jim Ferguson. I guess even Jeff Craig from "60 Second Preview" (who said TANK GIRL "kicks butt!" without ever seeing it) didn't like this.
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