BORDELLO OF BLOOD
A film review by James Berardinelli
Copyright 1996 James Berardinelli
TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS BORDELLO OF BLOOD
RATING (0 TO 10): 5.0 Alternative Scale: ** out of ****
United States, 1996 U.S. Release Date: 8/16/96 (wide) Running Length: 1:27 MPAA Classification: R (Gore, violence, nudity, sex, profanity) Theatrical Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Cast: Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman, William Sadler, voice of John Kassir Director: Gilbert Adler Producer: Gilbert Adler Screenplay: A.L. Katz and Gilbert Adler Cinematography: Tom Priestley Music: Chris Boardman U.S. Distributor: Universal Pictures
It's curious how one of the most inventive made-for-cable TV series (HBO's TALES FROM THE CRYPT) could turn into one of the most toothless movie series to haunt multiplexes. BORDELLO OF BLOOD is the second TALES FROM THE CRYPT feature, following in the dismal wake left by 1995's DEMON KNIGHT, one of that year's worst pictures. At least this followup keeps to the basic sprit of the program that spawned it. BORDELLO OF BLOOD is a macabre, jokey affair that could give BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER a run for its money as the silliest undead story of the decade.
Comic Dennis Miller is on hand as Rafe Guttman, the hero of the piece. Miller, who got bumped off early in THE NET, stays around much longer here, which is fortunate, since his wisecracking is BORDELLO OF BLOOD's most obvious asset. Miller makes this movie; without him, I would be fishing for nice things to say. Several of his one-liners are legitimately funny, and the offhand manner in which he confronts the vampires is worth at least a smile. His supporting cast includes model- turned-supposed-actresses Erika Eleniak (UNDER SIEGE) and Angie Everhart (JADE). Chris Sarandon plays a rather dull televangelist. The film makes a lot of jokes at the expense of the religious right, but, considering that it's such an easy target, the humor seems recycled.
Frankly, there isn't much of a plot. The exposition exists for three purposes: to gather a lot of half-naked women together, to display as much gore as can be crammed into ninety minutes (actually, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN's total probably tops BORDELLO OF BLOOD's), and to give Miller an arena for his verbal ripostes. The whole thing works in a campy sort of way, but this movie definitely should not be confused with "good" cinema. Just because it's bad, though, doesn't mean that it can't have a certain entertainment value. Presumably, that's exactly what the film makers intended.
Angie Everhart plays Lilith, the most evil creature in the history of mankind. She runs a bordello out of a mortuary. Men go in, but they don't come out -- at least not in one piece. All of Lilith's ladies of the night have strange puncture marks in their necks, although none of their male clients seem to notice. They are, I presume, too worked up by Lilith's unique method of French kissing. It's a heartfelt sort of activity.
Anyway, one night, a couple of grungy teenagers out looking for a good time wander into Lilith's lair. When one of them fails to come home, his sister, Katherine (Erika Eleniak), employs a down-and-out PI, Rafe Guttman, to locate him (note: in movies like this, private investigators always have to be "down-and-out"). Rafe pays a visit to the bordello, and, after getting away from an overeager, topless dominatrix vampiress, he decides that something unusual is going on. A leap of intuition reveals the truth, and Rafe returns to the bordello, armed with holy water pistols.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I liked parts of BORDELLO OF BLOOD -- it is, after all, a pretty sick motion picture. Alas, the sense of bloody good fun gets stretched too thin. There's not enough material here to sustain the running length, and the film goes through dead patches (most of which occur when Miller isn't on screen). All of the stuff with Chris Sarandon is a waste of time that should have been relegated to the cutting room floor -- except that would have trimmed BORDELLO OF BLOOD to an unacceptably short sixty minutes or so.
So, although this movie is an improvement over the dreadful DEMON KNIGHT (then again, almost anything would be), it still hasn't convinced me that TALES OF THE CRYPT belongs on the big screen. As for the film's commercial potential, I'm afraid it hasn't got much. At best, much like BUFFY, it will attain cult status. More likely, however, it will vanish into theatrical oblivion, only to be resurrected in a few months on video store shelves, where the promise of naked female flesh and copious gore will generate a healthy rental life. Such is, after all, the deserved fate of movies like this.
- James Berardinelli e-mail: berardin@bc.cybernex.net ReelViews web site: http://www.cybernex.net/~berardin
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