EMPIRE OF THE ANTS
A film review by Andrew Hicks
Copyright 1996 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions
(1977) 0 (out of four)
In the vast realm of bad 70's horror movies involving the nature kingdom on the rampage, EMPIRE OF THE ANTS is the queen of the colony. This adaptation of the H.G. "Orson" Welles story starts out like your typical Discovery channel nature film, with shots of ants doing their business while the voiceover narrator explains how organized and intelligent they are, and that the queen ant controls the colony through a substance known as pheremone. Lest we be too concerned with possible foreshadowing, the narrator reminds us that pheremone is "business better left to the ants."
Cut to the opening credits, during which an evil corporation dumps barrels of radioactive waste on an island. One barrel breaks open and your stock yellow ooze comes pouring out as a line of ants marches by. Meanwhile, Dynasty Joan Collins meets an ensemble cast of terrible actors for a boat ride (a three hour tour, a three hour tour) to her island, where she tries to unload worthless real-estate on a group of potential buyers.
There's the old couple, the gigolo in a leisure suit, the depressed drunk in a leisure suit, the beautiful blonde, the soft-spoken brunette and her boyfriend, the washout career woman, Joan's rented boat captain and her male assistant who, Joan says, is "so good in the sack that it almost justifies the excessive salary I have to pay you." That line of dialogue sets the tone for a movie full of awful Ed Wood-quality lines. I don't usually take notes during a movie, but EMPIRE OF THE ANTS had so much quotable bad dialogue that I knew I'd forget it all if I didn't write it down. Ninety minutes and two notebook pages later, here I am writing the review.
The group mingles for awhile as Joan tries to decide which ones are actually interested in buying and which ones are just there for the free food and liquor. First, the leisure-suit gigolo tries to hit on the beautiful blonde, who tells him, "I thought you were one of those macho types whose brains fall out every time he unzips his fly." He shoots back, "What is this, group therapy?" and you can tell he's mad because his oversized shirt collars are flaring. Then the washout woman hits on the depressed drunk, who tells her, "I'm a bad investment." The whole time, the ants are lurking in the woods watching through their compound eyes (which the camera lets us look through several hundred times) while a ripoff of the JAWS theme plays in the background.
Joan leads them all on a tram tour of the island, extolling the features of the land, when they come across the dead body of one of the workers. Everyone screams for awhile before the drunk decides to take charge and remembers two of the buyers were left behind on the last tram stop. He asks, "Who will go out there with me?" and looks around at the men. "No, not me," says the old guy. "I'm an old man. We only came because it was free. We take these tours all the time. Nothing like this ever happened, though." Even at the cost of a life, Joan is still happy to have weeded out two of the moochers.
The drunk and the beautiful blonde run off into the woods while Joan and the others drive the tram at double speed (all of ten miles an hour) to the shore. By this point the ants have built a makeshift bridge to the boat and are crawling along it. "What the hell are they?!" someone yells as the captain swims out to his boat, where even with an axe, he can't stand up to a pair of sharp ant fangs. The boat explodes and the ants scatter.
The remaining victims build a fire on the beach, realizing that will keep the ants away for awhile. But the gigolo reminds them, "They're waiting. They're out there waiting until the fire dies. Can't you hear them?!" Meanwhile, the old woman cries out, "All we wanted was to enjoy what was left of our life. Is that bad?" as if the whole incident was their punishment for sneaking onto a free boat tour. Cue the thunderstorm (watch for the animated rain) to put their fire out. Cue squeaky "ant" sound effects.
Someone comes up with the brilliant idea that they run to the other side of the island, where a canoe is waiting, and they take off. Of course, they run into a few ants along the way and end up separated. The old people wait in a shed until the storm stops. When they finally emerge, the old man announces, "I told you we'd be safe now," right before thirty giant ants close in on them. The merciful EMPIRE OF THE ANTS director cuts away before the old people get gored.
Everyone else makes it to the boat, where the characters continue bitching at each other. Joan insists she's still the boss and tells the captain to row in one direction. He invites her to take over the rowing duties, she says, "Very funny," although I'm not sure if she's referring to his comment or the movie in general. At the urging of the gigolo, they end up taking the wrong fork in the river and being surrounded by ants. As the washout career woman chides him about his lackluster navigational skills (not to mention his lackluster acting skills), Joan's assistant reassures the gigolo that, "We're all on edge; we say things we don't mean." The gigolo's reply is, "Tell that bitch, don't tell me."
They set foot on land as the ants open a path for them. "They're herding us like cattle!" the blonde yells, minutes before the ants fall back and they stumble upon civilization. They go straight to the cops, alerting them to be on the lookout for "giant ants -- big as you are." The captain adds, "These things are vicious as hell!" The redneck sheriff takes the news surprisingly well, pledging, "Any ants come this way, we'll take care of them!" In the background, the mayor of the town is talking about their sugar refinery, subtle foreshadowing at its finest.
But the foreshadowing isn't subtle for long. When the island victims realize the cops aren't going to do anything about the ants, they steal a car and try to break down a road block. After the two-minute "Dukes of Hazzard" chase, they crash into a muddy marsh and are apprehended. As the cops are driving them back to the city, they pass the sugar refinery. The blonde finally has a hunch, saying there's "something funny" about the place. Gee, I know it's tough to make the connection between giant ants and a giant pile of sugar, but give the audience a little credit for seeing it coming.
Sure enough, the cops stop at the sugar refinery and take the prisoners on an impromptu tour, remarking, "There's enough sugar in there to feed an army," which is particularly admirable considering most army meals consist of a giant bowl of sugar. No sooner has he gotten that out when in come the army ants. Chaos ensues as the prisoners are ushered into another room, where the giant queen ant resides. Saith the sheriff, "Isn't she beautiful? She's fantastic... We must obey. We have no choice. She makes us do it."
As the dramatic conclusion comes upon us, a line of townspeople are ushered into a booth one by one, where the queen ant farts a pheremone fog and they breath it, turning into obedient ant servants. Joan is brought to the front of the line, and she comes out in a daze, announcing, "Don't you see? We mustn't disobey them, we must take care of them!" Not you too, Joan! Finally, the captain, the blonde, career gal and the assistant get loose and run out of the refinery.
Just outside happens to be a tanker truck labelled "Flammable!" An idea pops into the captain's head, which you can probably guess. Remember, ants don't like fire. They probably don't like EMPIRE OF THE ANTS too much either, although if you have a sense of humor, you'll probably love it. Knowing that Joan and Company were trying to make a serious thriller makes this four-star bad movie (zero stars on the regular scale) all the more hilarious. But if you don't have a sense of humor, this movie is probably business better left to the ants.
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