LOCH NESS
A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 1996 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): * 1/2
LOCH NESS is a joint UK and US production that has had staggered openings all of Europe this year. It was scheduled to be released theatrically in the US two months ago, but has already made its way to network television, showing this past Saturday. Our family was all ready to see it in Paris this summer until we found out that they had dubbed into French rather than using subtitles.
LOCH NESS is a family film about a monster hunter named Dr. Jonathan Dempsey (Ted Danson from THREE MEN AND A BABY). Having vacationed near Loch Ness and having looked for Nessie ourselves, we were intrigued to see how the movie would approach the canonical mysterious monster of our time.
As a travelogue that will make the Scottish Board of Tourism proud, the movie is a success. The cinematography by Clive Tickner is full of sweeping grandeur. I attribute that less to Tickner's skills than to the countryside's inherent beauty. It would be hard to make the Scottish Highlands in and around Loch Ness look any other way.
Dr. Dempsey is the cliched impoverished scientist with all his bill collectors after him. He has spent his life chasing freaks of nature. As he says, "I'm a joke. I'm the guy who chases Looney Tunes."
His boss, Dr. Mercer (Harris Yulin from LOOKING FOR RICHARD), wants him to take the world's most sophisticated equipment to Loch Ness to disprove Nessie exists. His orders to Dr. Dempsey are, "I want you to not find the monster. I want you to use state of the art equipment to prove that it's not there." The prose by John Fusco (YOUNG GUNS) is stilted and lifeless. This is somewhat ameliorated by the beauty of the Scottish tongue when Dr. Dempsey gets to Scotland.
Once there, he comes to live in a hotel run by Laura MacFeteridge (Joely Richardson from I'LL DO ANYTHING and Anita in the upcoming live action 101 DALMATIANS). She insults him in a way that indicates she is falling in love with him. Her daughter Isabel (played by newcomer Kirsty Graham) forms an immediate kinship with Dr. Dempsey. Graham and to a lessor extent Richardson are the only actors in the film that stay awake. The others sleepwalk through their performances, perhaps none more so than Ian Holm (BIG NIGHT) as the mysterious and brooding local named Water Bailiff.
"You couldn't find a dinosaur at the bottom of a whiskey glass," says Dr. Dempsey's assistant Adrian Foote (James Frain). Considering the skills Dr. Dempsey displays, I agree. He relies mainly on dumb luck for his discoveries.
Thinking he may have found Nessie becomes an aphrodisiac for the doctor so he jumps Laura in the kitchen. Of course, this being a PG show, her daughter walks in just as the action is starting to get heavy.
The intense violin music by Trevor Jones is a romantic complement to the lovely scenery. First time theatrical director John Henderson's film works only as an atmospheric pageant of travel shots. Ask your neighbor to show you the slides from his last trip to Scotland and skip this meaningless film.
LOCH NESS runs 1:41. It is rated PG, and the version shown on television has no sex, nudity, violence, or bad language. The show would be fine for kids of any age although I do not see why anyone would bother. On the other hand, my son Jeffrey, age 7 1/2, gives the film five thumbs up. I give the film a thumbs down and rate it * 1/2.
**** = One of the top few films of this or any year. A must see film. *** = Excellent show. Look for it. ** = Average movie. Kind of enjoyable. * = Poor show. Don't waste your money. 0 = One of the worst films of this or any year. Totally unbearable.
REVIEW WRITTEN ON: November 23, 1996
Opinions expressed are mine and not meant to reflect my employer's.
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